Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Getting Sorted

Counselling is going well, even though i have had only one session. I like both my counselors and we have worked through a lot so far.
I am a little bit sad, especially lately. My relationships with my "friend" is done. He has flipped out given me an ultimatum even though he knew how fragile I was. Even though he sent my a message for Valentines, it is still over. He just wants what he can get out of me and his version of "caring" isn't enough or healthy.
Its a shame too, as we identified my mother's approval as one of my issues and I stood up to her about him. I told her what he and I shared was not her business and that I was sorry if it disappointed her. She let me know in no uncertain terms that he would never ever be a friend to her or part of her family or welcome at family events.
Its the season of "love" and I feel further away from finding that than I have for a long time. Part of me wants to go on a dating site but it would be for the attention and another part of me is very adverse to looking at all. Its all the same schmuck and all the same garbage and I don't have the energy. I am so much more than I was previously. I know I am a catch, I just want to find that same level back. I don't think, for once, that I am overvaluing myself. I feel like, for once, I am finally expecting to and wanting to find the same level of great from someone else.....and I don't know if I am ever going to find it-not because I am just so wonderful-but because that love is rare and I am somewhat broken from trying. So I am not trying.
My job is a mess and I am trapped but I can't fix it right now so I have to take a breath and go through. Hopefully my path will start to clear as I move towards a permanent solution.

Friday, 27 January 2017

Desperately Seeking Sanity

I went home yesterday and cried. Then I sucked it up and went for a run and did a work out.....and cried.  I cried and cried and cried. I am not normally a person who lives with my emotions slow close to the surface. I normally can cope. But I can't. Not right now. So I cry.

I thought about the circle I am stuck in, how i must work in my current position because I am the sole provider. But how I need to upgrade so I can land a permanent position so we are more financially stable, but have no money or inclination to further my training in a job I do not love and that is becoming increasingly difficult to do.

There is a masters program I would love to take, but it's expensive and over seas and i don't think I can get the supports I need to take it. It would boost my salary in my current field, and open doors to new avenues I might enjoy. Maybe I could get a student loan......something to look in to.

I cried because, while I am happy for my sister, I am devastated for myself. Finally, she has it all. The perfect job, husband, life, friend, town, and now a baby. She has succeed where I have failed. She is perfect and golden and my parents are ridiculously proud of her. For a long time I contented myself with being the "nice" one who did as she was told, and then I had the kids so my parents were happy about that. Now I am just a disappointment. Doing what I thought they wanted led me to being trapped and now I truly have become the practice child that paved the way for perfection. Mom doesn't mean to glow and have more fun with my sister-she just does. I cried because she would deny it, but I know that its the truth. I am a disappointment to them and to myself too.   I cried because it hurts my mother so much to know that I am in crisis and then I feel guilty for being that way.

I cried because I have turned into the kind of parent I didn't want to be. Emotional, a yeller, a guilt-tripper. I am overwhelmed and exhausted and burnt out. My children deserve so much more than that and my daughter needs me to be more than that. Lately I have been so intensely angry at their father because he stuck me to deal with everything-including the divorce- and lives a much more simplistic existence. And yes, I KNOW I am lucky that I got the kids all to myself and they are a blessing. But they are also killing me by imperceptible degrees as I desperately try to succeed at something-chiefly, being their mom.

I cried because I can't tell if I am actually in love or have every been. I don't know what it feels like but I am so scared of screwing up further that I have blocked that possibility off for someone who makes me happy because I am scared of living with the disapproval and disgust of my family-just one more thing that I have failed at. Pathetic. My fear of failure is so acute that I am afraid to be brave.
I do choose to be with this person because he makes me safe, cared for and comforted. And i desperately need a port in a storm.

I cry. All the time. Silently. Visibly. Inside. Outside. All the time. I cry, and I hope that through the tears, some of these things will wash away and some of the pressure that is slowly crushing me will float down stream. Until then, I cry.

Thursday, 26 January 2017

When its All Upside Down

This week we have dealt with pneumonia, cancellations and a faulty alarm. But I am here. I do not feel 100% and wish I had a vitamin C drop for my water, but we're here. We're in one piece and we're functioning....sort of.

My son, X was very sick this week and it really brought home for me that-ultimately-I am completely alone. I mean, really, really alone. i need to grow my circle or I am going to be really stuck the next time something horrendous happens.
It also scared my a lot, as I don't think I have ever seen my child so ridiculously ill and felt so helpless. I hope it's never worse than that. It was hard to watch and was very frightening. But he is better now, and it's like that weekend didn't happen.

I am concerned. Concerned I am allowing my friend to be more than that because I am too tired and too lonely to fight it. I used to be so certain it was not what I wanted but it doesn't feel the same this time I am scared,
I also missed being held and supported and having someone understand me enough to just be there for me in whatever I need. I am becoming addicted and need to push it away, because i know his addiction isn't going anywhere and I don't want to live my life waiting to be disappointed.

I don't know my heart. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't work because I don't get attached to the men that I am seeing....not really. Not since.....I brush myself off and move on. I don't feel that thing and maybe I never will. The prospect of doing the parenting thing alone for my whole life is exhausting and lonely and I feel that loneliness, deeply. Which is probably why I cling to the comfort of a person I am safe with. I am weak and also human in that.

I am also lost. Lost in my career which doesn't seem to be progressing but slipping backward. Struggling if I should invest in a future that i am not really interested in or go in a different direction. How can I change jobs with my kids depending on me? How can I stay with no job security and the knowledge that the system is broken without much hope of being fixed. How do I keep going when I am barely holding it together?

Friday, 13 January 2017

Old Habits or New Beginnings?

I have been faced with a conundrum. Do I let someone back in, or do I keep them away? Pros: I like their company, I enjoy their interactions with my kids. Cons: they are unpredictable and i don't want to fall back into old habits.
I have changed a lot, and so has he. We both have agreed that our friendship is more important than anything physical that might happen, and nothing can alter our friendship. We are committed to making the friendship work. I am not looking for more than that right now with anyone, and he isn't either. But we have been down this road before and it's gotten very sticky.
The easiest thing is to take the physical stuff right off the table. But we are good at it, and we both miss that aspect of things when we aren't seeing someone. Is it possible to keep our friendship safe while being intimate physically?
Lots to think about and lots to consider.

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Pieces of Me-Learning to Make a Whole

I ended it. Not the way I wanted, I had to message because he wouldn't pick up his phone. Boy, was it ever the right choice. He turned out to be fairly chauvinistic, emotionally stunted, and kind of a baby about the whole thing. Sort of feel like he might have been cheating after all. But I did it. I got rid of something that wasn't bad for me, but just not the right thing for me. And I feel really positive about it.
I am a little lonely. But I started a new book, focusing on my health, getting my affairs in order and ultimately just moving forward with my life. Without anyone else in it.
Its not easy. I am unhooking from my devices and being more present with my kids. I haven't had the field this clear in a long time. Normally, I would be right back in the saddle-looking for a new conquest. But I don't want to. My need to fill that emptiness, just isn't there this time. I want to fill it with other things.
To be fair, I am in contact with one guy from before I started seeing The Mountain. This guy lives in a different province but we have an insane amount in common and I really held off telling him I was seeing someone, because I didn't want to lose him. However, since I have been off the market-he has started to talk to someone else. So I am not overly hopeful. I am trying to trust that if it's supposed to happen-it will. And if it's not, then I don't need to invest a ton of time hoping it will. He wants to talk to me-I am all about it. If he doesn't, I will live. Right now, it does make me check my messages a billion times a day....but with conscious effort-this too shall pass.
My goal is to make a little extra money and take myself to a luxurious hotel with a spa. I want to get a hotel room, soak in a hot tub, get a massage and pedicure and eat a delicious meal. Sounds like heaven.

Friday, 6 January 2017

Filling My Own Gaps

After two phone calls, where nothing was said and even less was unsaid, and having him choose a day of smokes and gaming over seeing me-even when we knew he wasn't going to have much time off-it has become clear. He likes his life the way he likes his life, and I like my life the way I like my life. We have hardly anything in common, although share similar taste in movies and television, we just don't line up.

So why can't I end things? Why can't I pull the plug and be kind? Because. I have never ended a relationship with anyone really, certainly not one that is filled with laughter and sweetness, like ours is. It's a pretty thing, our relationship, but it's a pretty thing without much substance and that's just not sustainable. I am going to give it a couple of weeks, but I don't want to go away with him because that's not fair with me feeling this way.

I will not be pursuing another relationship for quite sometime. I am keeping eharmony, because I paid and it's not invasive, but I am taking a break and focusing on me and my family. This should be easy to do for February when my best friend and his wife are here, but difficult for the rest of the time...until it's not difficult any more.

I can't keep looking. If he is out there, he has to start looking for me. And I certainly am not going to find him on POF or Tinder. I want a guy with his shit together, and generally, those guys have full lives and aren't using the internet. Or if they are, they are really really sneaky about it.
Its not going to be easy. I established the pattern of looking for a mate in my 20's, but it's hurting my kids. I don't want them to attach and then realize that this person isn't the right person and have them lose people, all over again. But I want to protect them better, so I have to be better and be okay with maybe never falling in love.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

New Year, New Reality

I goofed. I majorly sidestepped. I am involved with a good and sweet man, but there are some issues that concern me. He is not active, he has chronic pain, he is a chronic weed user and he is financially in trouble, his ex girlfriend claims he is cheating and has "proof". Red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag.
I really like him. I think he is a wonderful person and incredibly kind. I thought I had found "the one". I don't feel that way anymore. There are just too many things that divide us. Am I being too picky? Am I being stupid? I have found a man who treats me so well and so sweetly, but I don't know if his life goals are the same as mine.
I want a partner. I want someone who makes my life better, who is saving for the future, who doesn't need saving or rescuing or help. Someone I can make a life with and who automatically makes things easier and better for me. Am I judging him to harshly and not giving him a chance? Or am I ignoring my gut.....And if I am, then perhaps I need to stop. After tonight, he works all week. I am going to try and really think about what I need and want and see if i can't figure this out before things go any deeper.