Saturday, 12 December 2015

'Tis the Season's been awhile.....
My amazing children prepare for the best time of year to be and have children....I have been feeling very unchristmasy until today. Partly it's the weather. It's mild and grey and doesn't feel Decembery, let alone Christmasy. Partly it's the realization that really, nothing is very different from last year and shouldn't it be? I still did all the holiday shopping, still handled the decorating and the advent.....
My parents offered to join me here on Christmas Eve after the kids were in bed.....but I hadn't even thought of it because most Christmas Eve's I spent alone doing stockings anyway.
Since last time I wrote I have taken on a man friend. He is exactly what I need right now, but it can only be for right now. He has problems with alcohol and, while the chemistry is amazing, I just don't feel that deep romantic stirring I am looking for.
He knows. He is doesn't agree, but he knows.
Turns out, despite me being careful, my parents know that he is more than a casual friend and they are weirdly fine with it. Both of them went through a divorce, so I suppose it shouldn't be a shock, but it was. It feels great that they trust and support me enough to not be judgemental about it. Strange days.
So that proclamation of support and generous snuggle time from both my kids has rekindled my feelings of Christmas and now I can start to get excited about what is coming. My life is very different and it feels good to be happy.

Sunday, 1 November 2015

The Long Goodbye

Almost two weeks ago I told Irish that we were on a deadline. I do not want to be his pillowy landing for the exit of his relationship, or his partner in cheating, or his rebound. I want my partner to choose me, not just someone. I don't need the negative karma. So two weeks of chatting to get reacquainted and test if there was still something there seemed reasonable.
Long story short, there is something there.
So I have to walk away, knowing that there is something real. It's brutal, but it's necessary. If he is really supposed to be mine, he will find me. However, he isn't ready and I can't be a penpal in hopes he will eventually be mine. I need more.
If I walk now, I won't carry negativity into things if he comes back. If I don't, I will always know I contributed to the end of a relationship, that I helped him be dishonest, and might not ever trust him. That's no way to be.
So, the moral high ground might be rocky, but it's right....and hopefully will lead to happiness.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Alone and tired

I told Irish goodbye tonight...or farewell. I just couldn't do it. I know me. I am going to develop feelings, big ones, and he is not free. Also, if he cheats on his partner, he isn't the man I believed him to be and I want to believe he is. So I told him that we shouldn't talk until she knows what's going on. Until he speaks his heart and until he figures things out.
This means I may lose him, but if that's the case then he wasn't supposed to be mine in the first place. He may find renewed love with her, or chest with somebody else. But I can't be the one. It's harder than I expected. I feel really sad that this is how it has to be- but it does. I can't shake the guilt and extreme sadness for his partner and kids. I have been where they are. Being lied to hurts so bad. The truth is a release.
Golden eyes is gone too. I would be sad, but no spark.
So I am lonely and quiet and for tonight, a little sad. But proud of myself too.

Sunday, 18 October 2015

Door Slammed Shut, Windows Blown Open

So Builder Boy was a HUGE baby. Not only did he just stop talking to me when he met someone, he didn't even tell me then blocked me when I confronted him. And I think he came into MY town the very weekend we were supposed meet. Quite the coward in the end, luckily I found out before I fell.

I was very very upset....then the universe quirked up. They brought back into my life a former flame....let's call him Irish. Irish and I dated for about a month. I credit him with being one of the only people who ever treated me well. We broke up because he had a friend admit feelings for him. He felt the need to explore that and I respected him. He is a father and with someone, though he is not in love any longer. I don't know if this is a second chance or just a chance to be a friend to one who needs it-but I will let the universe lead......cause there is a second player...or so I hope.

Golden Eyes was a friend of a friend who I discovered when online dating the first time but I messed it up. Setting karma back, I apologized....expecting nothing. We have been sending a message a day and he surprises me. So....universe...two second chances which might not be.....but we'll just let things fall as they may.

What do I hope happens? I hope to fall in love with somebody who loves me back. Might be neither of these two, or it might be one.....have to wait and see how things play out....kinda exciting.

Sunday, 4 October 2015


I spent some time today with one of my mentors. She is everything I believe a woman should be and her path on this earth was to guide and help others find their way. She is a beacon and she helped guide me to my true happiness.
I am on the edge, and I have been avoiding speaking my heart and mind outloud because I am scared it will jinx it. As if saying what I truly want would make the universe snatch it away. But I am not so scared anymore. So I will say it-I believe in fate. I believe in it firmly. I believe that the universe responds in kind when you find your real path, when you are heading down the right road and it continues to bask you in the light of that rightness.
My mentor and I talk a lot about white light, about positive energy and I am throwing as much of it as I can out into the universe right now. I am starting to trust. That trust is building my career choice, but also in my burgeoning relationship.
When I started this dialogue with Builder Boy, I was hella insecure. I had no centre and was terrified that I would screw up. I kept pushing him away or giving him outs, or being needy. Now I do what I want and I have stopped worrying it will bother or scare him. It's solid, as solid as a penpal can be, and my need to be in constant communication has eased because, while I love talking to him, a lot of that was the need for reassurance and ego petting. Sure, I get insecure sometimes still, but at my core I feel warmth and truth and kinship. And right now, it's meant. What it's meant for or what will be is not clear, but it was supposed to be.  So I will let my wildness out, my revolutionary and risky beliefs flap free- if anonymously- I believe in fate and that the puzzle pieces are falling into place for me.

Friday, 2 October 2015

The breath before the fall

It's October. I have been a single woman for five months. I have been doing for myself, living my life and I am the happiest I have been in my whole life. This journey of self discovery, of getting to know me and allowing who I am to be happy has been so big. There is uneasiness as I learn to take risks and learn to believe the universe will catch me. But the universe is catching me. It's not always how I planned or exactly what I wanted, but it's close.

My theatre classes aren't full, but they are fun! I feel happy every time I step into the room with those kids. Subbing has started, and I have really pushed myself to contact all I know so that they will use me!

My kids are happy! They dance, they learn, they play, they are amazing! They are filled with love and laughter and I am learning to embrace the chaos that sometimes comes with trying to follow a schedule but also appreciating the moments. We are a unit, strong and united and real.

I am letting someone in. Someone who hasn't followed the pattern of everyone that has come before. Someone who I like as a person, who is kind and hard working and funny and real. Someone who might not be here for forever, but is the type of person who I hope to stay forever with. Someone who has earned enough trust from me that I am feeling safe enough to not need constant reassurance or second guess everything they tell me. I needed to learn that these people, good people, are out there in the world and sometimes what they say is exactly what hey mean. I needed to trust and if that's all I gain from this, then it will be a lot.

I like who I am, how I look and what I have to offer. I believe in myself and what is going on with me and I will continue to work on it and respect the process. I won't hide anymore.

So I enter the fall, my favourite season, powerful, alive and thankful. Thankful to everyone who made this journey possible and who is coming with me- it's going to be an awesome ride!

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

The Answers to the Questions

Well, two outta four isn't bad. The two big problems have been resolved with minimal fuss and the two little problems are little and until we are actually dating, I am not bothered.
He admitted to having Facebook, just not using it much and hating it. That's confirmed, he rarely posts....and has probably creeped me as much as I creeped him.
The disappearing, he also explained and it's cool for now. Hopefully he quits that if we start dating.
We have been talking for almost two months, it'll be two once we meet. At this point, we both need the meet so we have something worth talking about. 10hours a day couldn't last forever and it's unfair to use him as a distraction from my daily life. Now that work is picking up for me, it will be better.
Genuinely liking someone and having lots in common is a strange and interesting turn for me. Doesn't seem like that novel of a concept, but it is. All my past relationships I tried to make work, I never truly knew the guy first ( except in the cases of dating my friends). If this all falls apart, it'll still have taught me something- there is no need to settle and no need to rush.
Falling for someone happens in seconds, really loving who they are takes time. And I want that. I want someone who loves me enough to take time, cause I am worth it.

Sunday, 27 September 2015

Hiccups and Heartaches

Nothing is perfect. It's good, because it keeps us interesting. I know this and I am not looking for perfect, just perfect for me. On paper, Builder Boy fits the bill.....but recently four things have come up that made me go from falling to paused- two are little, two....not so much.
1. He doesn't ever ask how I am, or how things went for me. He responds well when I tell him, but he doesn't ask.
2. He rarely compliments's not a big deal but if I send a picture and there is no comment.....kinda rude.
3. He lied or mistyped...and I don't know if it's how I interpreted it or an actual lie. He said he didn't have or or didn't use Facebook......but he does.....I would ask him....but......
4. He disappears on weekends....completely. He doesn't return texts, he is MIA. He has never said anything about this but it's more often than not and he never explains...but I have never asked. If he comes back, I will ask.

Do these four things add up to distruction of what we have built? No. But they do put a big flashing caution sign on it, no matter how you look at it. I want to love like I have never been hurt and fall into something deep and beautiful, but that doesn't mean being an idiot. Trust and feeling secure are my two issues and because I am trusting the new person with the lives of my children, it needs to be rock solid from the beginning.
If he evades or his answers stink, I gotta cut him loose. It's going to hurt cause it was two months of discovering someone's mind and heart, but i can't build something else on a foundation of sand.

Sunday, 20 September 2015

At Arms Length

When I split with my ex, I wrote a list. A list of qualities and fundamentals I needed from a partner. When I had a few disasterous online dating experiences, I quit and lost myself in books instead. There I found the men, however unrealistic, that I longed for. One novel particularly hit home, so much so that I wrote to the author to thank her for giving me hope.
Then I met Builder Boy-builder man really. Well not met, was in contact in contact with....I wrote about him last time I blogged.
He fits the list, he mirrors the book in an eerie kind of perfect way and he gets me. Somebody told me he wAs just an ordinary looking dude....he might be....but he does it for me physically, emotionally and intellectually and he does it big time.
We have a date picked out, it's a month away....but that's okay. My head needs some time. This should not be happening now, I shouldn't be feeling so much for a stranger. But he tugs at me. How many guys can quote Land Before Time? How many can keep a girl with a busy brain interested for weeks of conversation.
I want to fall for him. I want us to meet and have that moment when two souls recognize what's going on. The click, the dive, the racing hearts and raging hormones. I want that with him. I want to protect him and have him want to protect me. And I worry. He says little to me about how he feels. He rarely compliments me and rarely messages me first. Boy thing? Maybe. Or could he be just using me for ego boosting,....maybe.
I am edgy. When someone hands you what you have always wanted it's hard to believe they are not going to snatch if away again,

Wednesday, 26 August 2015


My world has friend J, also a single mom, suggested we do the online dating thing at the same time so we could bolster each other and compare notes.....she started contacting two guys.....I saw a couple but mostly nothing interesting. It really felt like the universe was steering me away from that.....until it wasn't.
For five days I have been writing to a guy all day, and late into the night too. Normally I would be telling friends, my know but I don't want to. I am scared it will jinx it and I can't have that. This guy is tailor made for me. He banters better than anyone has with me. He is a carpenter ( hot) who was kind of a jock and has more than a little knowledge about dorky things that I love....and he plays along with my schtick.
I am not prepared for this. There is no game playing. We message all day and I don't keep track of whose doesn't matter. He surprises me, challenges me and scares me. It occurred to me, the other night while mowing, I have never been in love with someone who loved me that same way.
 I was twenty when I met The Disappeared. We were friends for two years before anything happened. I loved him. Down to my core. He was everything I wanted and I loved who he was long before I fell in love with him. But it was brief and though he certainly had some feelings, I don't know and will probably never know what those are. Unrequited love.
The men in between, few I had strong feelings for. Grumpy, Happy and Confusing being the top three. After 13 years of friendship I certainly loved Grumpy and lusted too, but we wanted fundamentally different things and he wouldn't choose me. I longed to be chosen. Happy was quick and over as fast as it began and we barely knew each love, no foul. Confusing was just that. I certainly wAs attracted, I loved a lot of things about him but he kept me at arms length....
The ex was different. I was damaged, lost and had no self esteem and thought he was in love with me. He certainly was kind in the beginning. I loved him, at the beginning, but never in love. I drove around worrying about it and certainly convinced myself it would be the best I could get and all I deserved. We didn't banter and the things he told me we had in common were lies. He had few qualities I found attractive or essential. There was never that low down rumble that comes from sparks.....but my sparks had always got me in trouble.
So here we are....a man who is hitting all the boxes and it terrifies me. I truly am enjoying chatting but am worried that's all it might be for him.
I am not good at giving up control and falling in love is the relinquishing of all control and trusting someone explicitly.  Feels like I found someone worth risking it for.

Saturday, 25 July 2015


After everything went down with the single dad blow off last week, I was at a loss of where to go next on this journey. So I joined a free dating site- thinking I should expand my net....and two things happened:
1. I got in contact with a very interesting friend of a should have been great but I think he blew me off too.
2. I was bombarded by disgusting men who said horrible things. Misogyny is not dead, it's just moved online.
This resulted in me deleting my account. If friend of friend actually is interested, he has my number and contact details. I am not chasing a guy who is not that into me. I spent five years married to a guy who wasn't that in to me, why would I waste my time trying to date the same thing. No! Just no! I am sick of it.....and it's only been a few months. So I am retreating. I am reading and escaping into a world where men are good and like interesting, strong, women and go out of their way to prove it. I am retreating to a world where a single mom has value, is seen and is beautiful, I am retreating to a world where there might be a person that makes me fall in love....and I am staying there for awhile. Might not be healthy, but it's what I am going to least for now.

Monday, 20 July 2015

Beginning Again.....again.

I am naïve....optimistic if you will. It is my natural state to believe the good in people. It means I constant live in a state of disappointment because, sadly, most people ( male people) aren' that good. This last week I was riding such a high. ...I thought I had met a great guy who was interesting and interested in me. Then BAM, or rather.......he stops responding to messages. He saw enough, or learned enough. For five days we messaged back and forth with regularity. Then he sees two other pictures and zoom....he is away. Sure, he could be busy....but more than likely.....he is just not into me.....this is very very very sad. I had thought he might be somebody worth knowing, worth having my kids meet someday. Turns out, not even worth a date.....or I wasn't. I am trying not to let it kill my self esteem, but it's very easy to see why I was so damaged by this whole process before. Difficult to see what I learned here....maybe not to care too much?
Who we begin again.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Caught Up

So, for the past two nights I have not done my affirmation journal. Night before last I had a friend over and the kids were crazy, then last night I got caught up in a conversation with a guy in the similar situation as I am. It was so nice to be talking to someone fantastic and today things were going well......but then......the shiny or he got busy or I said the wrong thing....doesn't matter.  I am trying to not let it bother me.
What was nice today is that I didn't have insane urges to find out what happened to Disappeared. So, though I know I will always love him, maybe I can move on without kicking the door closed with all my might.mthats just how I feel tonight.

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Or Maybe Not......

The thing about online dating is, there is always something more sparkly. This means, even when you find someone great that you have a connection with- there is always someone enticing trying to break through. It's nothing personal- at least I am trying to not take it personally. To be honest, I knew it wasn't the one but thought I could have fun with it......but I just don't think that's me. I don't want that really. I want the big L. So being ignored/rejected clears the field again. It's coming. I say "it's" because, though I wish deep deep down it could be Stu, I just can't let all my hope live there. All I can expect there is some closure so everything is clear for the big L, whoever it might be.

What bugs me most about online dating is the mid getting to know you blow off. You are messaging each other, things are going well.....then they stop returning messages. Why? Usually it's because of the shiny......they don't just come out and say it, because if the shiny fails- they still have you....right? Nope, not when I am involved. I don't want to be somebody's safety. I usually thank them for their time and send them on their way.

I refuse to be a place holder or a back up. On this one I dodged a bullet, he was looking for a hookup before he even asked my real name. He might have been cute, might of saved the environment and fought fires, but he is still just a hound dog in superhero clothing. There is a lot of shiny out there and he is unencumbered, good luck on the hunt. Just don't pretend. If you are a hound, be a hound- I don't judge you, I just don't want you. Stop wasting my time pretending to be a superhero just to see if I'm huntable, I am not. I don't want to be. I am not on the hunt, I am on a quest- while both are looking for something, mine is specific and focused. But thank you, the field is clear again.

Friday, 10 July 2015

A New World

So, tonight is my night off from working out and I am spending it very stereotypically the way a single mom should- big glass of red wine watching a sexy movie ( Don Juan DeMarco). I don't indulge in this behaviour and this will be my first time....but seems as if first times are the theme for the day.
I have been talking to a guy. He is very honest, very earthy and very cute. He is not the forever guy. I know he is not the guy because, unLess some earth shattering chemistry occurs, he wants to remain in  his part of the province and I need to be here- in mine.
So....what's the point of even meeting? Getting back out there, and maybe having some fun. I have never dated without going into the date thinking the guy might be " the one". The fact of the matter is that I was so hell bent on finding " the one" that I tried to make everything work, even when I wasn't that into the guy.....I had zero self esteem and had no idea why my relationships/dates wouldn't work.
I am not that girl any more and I need to blow off some steam and have some silly, ridiculous fun....if it actually happens. I have a feeling he has been matched with someone he is more which case- move along sir, I got life to live.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

And the hits keep coming.....

So my ex used to pull the rug out from under me a lot...I was relieved when the marriage ended because that should have ended too....but no. Yesterday I received two whopping bills. One he lied and said was three thousand dollars less then it was and had said he had made $500.00 worth of payments BEFORE we seperated, he hadn't; the other was a bill he never mentioned, probably because he NEVER paid it! Am furious and really flabbergasted by this. I was sympathetic to his plight when we were married because he paid the majority of the bills which didn't leave him much of a pay check......except he wasn't paying them so where did all that money go??? I will never know.

Am doing better with accepting what the universe sends me. Yesterday was a hell of a day, plus I didn't get a job I applied for and our heat pump is broken ( I don't do well when overheated). It was tough, but I got my head wrapped around it. Whatever comes is meant and I will continue to try and find the good.....I also pray for a little closure from Disappeared, but trying to believe that what is meant to happen will.....

Friday, 3 July 2015

A New Day

okay, so I am a spiritualist, a pagan if you will. I have been since I was 15 or so. I believe in signs, in fate, in something bigger. However, I have never been very good at letting things " just happen". Once I sink my teeth in, I am a bit of a bulldog. I am learning to let this go, or trying to. It's probably why I have such a problem with Disappeared. I have always, ALWAYS felt like he would come back. I felt it deep deep in my bones, when he didn't, I stopped trusting my gut.
Now I think maybe that feeling wasn't so wrong,but I got the wrong lesson from it, I kept trying to make him come back instead of trusting the higher power to provide me with what I needed.  Today, in the sunshine, driving down the road I felt at peace. Somebody is watching out for me and what I have been looking for is coming, but I need to trust it- not force it. Like E's laugh....

My baby E, she is quick with a smile but her giggles are hard earned. I tried everything and she won't give it up, and it's a sweet sound so you want to hear it! However, recently, she has been letting fly with laughter more and more and always accidentally. Turns out, she just needed time to get there on her own. You can't force it, it needs to happen at the right time...I am constantly learning from my kids.

So I will keep reading my goddess deck nightly and keep my heart open. My cards seem to indicate I will find true love and that should expect a miracle and so I will- I will just work a bit harder at not trying to see that miracle as one specific person and will not try and force anything to occur....setting fate free to do what she will.....taking a breath and just believing.

Thursday, 2 July 2015

Day 2

Yesterday was a holiday so it didn't sink in, as we spent the day with my parents having a vacation. Today was the day it hit me- I am alone. Sure, I have the love and support of family and friends, but at the end of the day it's just me and my two babies. It's hard work!! I should be working out right at this second but I am tired. So I taking a minute to reflect and hoping, praying really, that everything in my angel session comes true. Today it's hard to see it. It's also hard to see that a miracle is coming, but I need to believe it.
It may not be very feminist and girl power of me, but my whole life I have wanted to fall in love. A love so big, it can be a haven in a storm and a net when I fall. It has occurred to me that I have had flashes or moments when I sort of felt it- but I have never really experienced it. My marriage was a constant free fall- having the rug ripped from under me every time I finally felt like I could take a breath- and my other relationships were short lived and tumultuous. Admittedly,  a lot of that was my fault. Still, I really have a hard time with trusting the universe and coming to grips with not knowing what is ahead of me. Maybe why I held so hard to the idea of Disappeared, he was something familiar when all the familiar was ripped away. Or maybe it was that big, and beautiful. Whoever walks in the door the next time will truly deserve to and will provide my kids with the person they are missing. Until then, I will learn to deal with the loneliness and the difficulty and the tired- because my kids deserve the world and I will be damned if they miss out just because we are missing a dad.

Sunday, 28 June 2015


I have been on vacation visiting my baby sister and her husband with my parents. It's been a lovely, tiring and rewarding trip. I have done a lot of self reflecting and have decided not to telephone Disappeared's dad. If he doesn't contact me, I am not meant to know. I am trusting the great beyond to do what is meant. I am glad I sent the letter but it's enough now. If I am meant to know, if he is  meant to be- it will happen. The fact that I believe that again is the greatest gift. My restored fate lets me know my sense of self and my purpose is returning.

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Down in the Dumps

Okay, initially I was going to take a break from online dating for the summer and now it's been confirmed. I had a brief up yesterday when I was matched with a guy who seemed great.....but he was just like the rest. Hope that I will find anyone fantastic for me and the kids is dwindling. I want to have faith that someone amazing ( disappeared) is just in the wings, but it's getting harder.

Also, the feeling of being self sufficient and strong is slipping. Doesn't help that my mother basically said I couldn't handle it. I don't want to, I would rather have a partner- but I don't. Her undermining, constantly paying, freaking out and micromothering my kids while on this vacation is not helpful. I know I should be grateful, but I already feel like a failure and it just makes it worse. We are at the home of the perfect one, and I am the screwup tagging along for the visit. Negative self talk is seeping in.

Negative thoughts don't help, but I am tired and I don't know what else to do. I suppose just try and prove them wrong and hope tomorrow is better...

Monday, 22 June 2015

Fighting History

We arrived safely. I had a lot of time to think on the way here. The kids did an amazing job and have been having a great time. They have enjoying splash parks, playgrounds and lots of attention. I had a rough day yesterday. The online dating has been discouraging and I am trying to remember not to take it personally. It sure feels as if the universe is trying to keep me hanging on to Disappeared. Which is a bad conclusion, but I sort of feel like if there is no exciting options out there I must be suppose to look backward.
 I was pretty bummed out yesterday, but today is better. I had fun with my kids at the park and I am so happy to be visiting my sister. Sometimes that can be an issue. My sister has it all-beautiful career, amazing house, lovely husband and it is hard not to see myself as a spectacular failure. I try not to be jealous, but she has often had things fall perfectly into place for her. All that is missing are children, and although it isn't happening exactly like she wants- I know that will be perfect too. She deserves it- she works hard and is a very giving person. I truly am happy for her- but I also would like that for the kids and me.....

Friday, 19 June 2015

The Journey

My parents are two of the best people I know. Not only have they helped to tidy up the end of my marriage, they give of themselves in a big way to my kids. One of the biggest ways is coming up tomorrow. We are going on a trip to visit my sister three provinces away, it's an 18 hour drive. We are planning on going straight through, with a three and one year old. They are brave.
Fifteen years ago, my parents made almost the same journey with my sister and I to drop me at university. It's a place I found some true friends, fell in love and lost it- plus myself- along the way. There is nice symmetry in returning now that I have found myself again.
I sit watching the clouds drift in to prepare for rain and try to be open to whatever is out there. Letting go of something I held onto for so long is going to take some work....especially since I am still wrestling with feeling like this was how it was suppose to go. I think it must be the suppressed romantic inside me-it would make an epic love story. Fell in love in university, separated by circumstance, distance and time, both try to move on- only to rediscover the love they had lost so long ago. Movies have been made based on less. But the reality is a lot more sad and far less inspiring.....maybe my story is somewhere in between the two.
What I do know is that I will never settle for less than extraordinary again. My children and I deserve to benefit from the lessons it's taken me a long time to learn.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Letting Go

 I have waited. I have waited for 13 years, some of that passively, some actively. I waited and searched and tried to forget and waited and searched some more. Why? Because I felt more in moments with him then I did in the years I spent with others. Some of that might be the rosy gleam of nostalgia, but a lot of that is real. I gave up once, gave up trying to find it because nothing came close and I got tired. But I won't give up again- but I will let go.
I am letting Disappeared go. His father couldn't be bothered to send me a simple email, phone call or letter that said " he is happy" and I have since found out which province he is in, that he is not on Facebook, and that he was still married three years ago. That might be all I get. And I have to find a way to be okay with that. My intrinsic belief that our souls are connected and that we are meant must be laid down if I ever hope to be happy and find a love that felt as right as that one did.
I suppose it is strange to write more about an affair that lasted a few weeks, instead of a marriage that lasted 5 years, but one taught me what love was and the other what it wasn't. I signed my separation papers and they will be filed tomorrow. While a bit sad, I feel more lonely by the mere fact that I don't feel anymore alone then I did married. I do, however, feel more me.
My goddess deck keeps urging me to trust and let go- so I will. I will let go and hope that my belief will lead me to something bigger, something beautiful, something that I don't have to lose and look for because it's found me and it's mine. So here is to taking a breath and letting go.

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Empty chairs

So one of my best friends left this morning. We were suppose to take a trip to the province I went to school in, but with the ex stealing money and wasting it on things- that didn't happen. As soon as M found out, she decided to come see me.....which turned out perfectly. She provided some much needed support while I attempt to sort out and finalize my life alone.
I now see how a working partnership could be- with M here, I had someone else to spell me off when I got tired and to talk and laugh with when the kids were distracted or in bed. I realized I hadn't had that in a very long time.
I also got to go out, at night, twice, with Grownups!!! Prompting me to find myself a wicked sitter....other reason why I need to find a great sitter- I can't trust my ex. At this point, he will be visiting with them one day a weekend and one evening. But I have now seen how he handles them- he doesn't. If he holds E, he is on his phone. He puts E down at the earliest possible point, leaves the room or doesn't respond to her cries. He has absolutely minimal connection with X, so much so that X has started to ignore him and not care when he is not around. And I have been careful and tried to encourage them to spend time together. It hasn't happened, because his father doesn't want it to and soon, X won't want to even if he does.
She was only here for a few days, but the kids flourished and came to love her so quickly- due in part to the fact that she noticed them. She engaged with them and set boundaries with them and played. They desperately are searching for more of that. I give them me. As much of me as I can muster, sometimes more than I can possibly give.....but having another person give themselves too makes me better and makes the kids better. And my kids and I deserve that full time. However, its good to know that while I am waiting for that person, my friends and family will fill the gap along the way.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

The waiting Game

I hate to wait. Once my mind is made up, that's it for me. So waiting is hard. Right now, I am waiting on two things: my separation agreement and the answer to my letter for Disappeared's father.
My separation agreement isn't such a hard wait. I know it's coming along and should be signed by the middle of next week....couldn't happen fast enough. My ex continues to get over due notices and I want to untangle myself from him financially as fast as humanly possible. His physical presence in my house makes me furious. He does nothing to help and doesn't interns with E or X unless specifically asked, and even then he is on his phone. I will not miss him, and doubt he children will.

The letter is harder. I have sent mail to Disappeared at his dad's place before and nothing ever happened. Time has passed and this is addressed to his dad and is not asking for anything other than if he is happy or not....but there are many unknowns. I don't know if a Disappeared and his father talk, if his father still lives there full time or just vacations, when the letter will arrive.....if his father will get back to me or just write it off as crazy. There is a lot I don't know.

My cards tell me to trust and t believe and I am trying to. All I want is an answer, though I would be lying if a small part of me wasn't hoping for a reunion. It's more important to my process just to move forward, so just an answer would allow me to let it go.
Today marks seven business days since I sent the now it's an actual possibility. After all this time, knowing anything would feel like a gift.

Monday, 8 June 2015


So, I have always had a love of movies and television- since I was a kid. Several of these shows have given me hope and inspiration so I thought I would share them.

Gilmore Girls- not only is Lorelai a tremendous single mom with a quick wit, rockin' style and an independence and strength that is quite familiar to me. Luke Danes and Dean have always been examples of the type of man I would want my kids to grow up with.

Practical Magic- the love that the main character tries to avoid and later finds is something I carry in my heart every day.

Serendipity- strangers meet and share an amazing night and an inexplicable connection, then reunite later after much life lived.....well, it had to get its inspiration from somewhere....

Say Anything- there is a quote in the movie that I have often told my young male students "don't be a guy. Anybody can be a guy. Be a man."

Parenthood- I have the best parents and extended family- and so does this show. They are making the divorce possible, they made buying my current house possible. I got married in their back yard. I am so excited to find someone ( like Joel) to eventually have big family events with- just like the Bravermans clan.

That's all for right now :) 

Sunday, 7 June 2015


I went to a huge university, though my department was small. I was followed by my high school boyfriend, who was a tool. During Frosh Week I went to an all Frosh event and as my boyfriend and I navigated through the sea of humanity, a Frosh boss walked into my path. I announced, out loud, " I am going to marry that boy". I was shocked- so was my boyfriend.
It was weird, and random....and got stranger when I walked into my assigned class and found out that this stranger was my supervisor.
I was drawn to him. He was quick witted, pushed my buttons, teased, tormented and taught me. We spent a good deal of time together. I almost told him how I felt but found out he had a girlfriend. I remember walking through our food court with my boyfriend and seeing him with his girlfriend, we just watched each other. It was very odd.
My boyfriend and I broke up, my crew was over and I wrote off my crush as unattainable- he was taken. At then end of the year I went down town by myself for the first time. I was feeling strong and independent-confident. On my way back, Disaapeared was on my bus. He moved forward and we talked. He told me he was happy I had broken it up with my boyfriend as he was a tool. I remember being surprised he knew and also pleased. Disaapeared was going to switch schools and move away, so we hugged and away he went.
I thought it was over.
In September I returned to school as a Frosh Boss. On the last night of training we had a social with another residence and he walked in. There were big hugs and we discovered we were taking class together. There was lots of flirting in class and he often tried to connect with me when we saw each other out- I thought he was just being a friend and he was still with his girl.
New semester started, I barely saw him. Then on one of the final nights out, I saw him. We danced. We went outside to chat and he invited me to a going away party downtown. He was graduating. I accepted. We went back inside and danced, then he kissed me. That kiss knocked me off my feet- I almost fell over but my friend caught me. I finally felt it....that over the moon, insane, intense feeling I have only read about- and I wasn't drinking.
I went to the party. He came home with me. I discovered he was still with his ex. I showed him the door, but he didn't go through it. He kissed me, carried me back inside. The next morning he asked for my number, I asked what the point was since he wouldn't use it.....he did. He came back that day. He called often, sometimes in the middle of the night. He asked me not to go home- but I had a job. One if our last days we rode the subway together and I got this strange feeling, I said " I won't see you again" and he said " don't be silly, I will always find you." Then I had to watch as the subway carried him away from me. I saw him once more after that and had a few phone calls before he got a touring job and he disappeared.
I heard for him once after that....I got drunk and called his brother who passed on my number. He left a message near my birthday and that was it. I don't even have a picture.

I waited....for years. I prayed, I begged, I searched ( a lot, he has a frustratingly generic name) and I truly believed he would come back. He never did. I stopped trusting myself and my gut....this was the wrong thing to do. I didn't look at what he gave me, just what I lost. He set that bar so high that I figured nobody could measure up so I stopped demanding that they did- I settled. So silly.

I should have used it. Used it as an example of what it feels like to be in love and never settled for anything less, not ever. So now I won't. I deserve that feeling, that intensity, that magic...the love that they talk about in Practical Magic " a love that time will lay down and be still for".

Thanks for giving me an incredible standard for my future.

The beginning

This blog is just for me. If someone reads it, then I hope they get something out of it....but it's really about me. Why not keep a journal? My hope is that by blogging, I will force myself to be honest and not leave out important things I am learning.

My husband left me. He stated he doesn't love me anymore, and maybe never did......we have been married for almost five years and together for nearly seven. I was five years his senior and had major reservations when we met, but I was in  bad place and wàs just thrilled to be in a ' normal' relationship with a sweet person. He proposed after three months, we were married two years later. I thought I had found a partner I could count on, and while I wasn't head over heels, I thought we had a love that could grow and strengthen with time- it didn't.
We have two children, E is almost one and X is three. Was I surprised- about the reason yes, but not the end. We have had problems for a long long time. Why bring in children? Because the problems were fewer and further between  and not love related when I was pregnant,  but quickly escalated during my second pregnancy.
Last August I had told my ex that we needed to fix things and that I would do the work and commit to solving our issues for a year, after which we would renegotiate- we didn't make the year.

That's the background. Why did I settle for less than that crazy head over heels over the moon feeling? Because I had been hurt....a lot. During the last year I have a lot if time for self examination and this self preservation and taking the safe road has been there most of my life. It stems from a low self esteem and low self worth that has looked for validation in guys- believing for many years that I was less than and trying to find someone to tell me I wasn't. I tend to date losers who are a bit broken so I can help put them back together, and have always tried to make any relationship " work", even if I wasn't that in to it. That's just crazy, but I had such low self confidence that I worried that I would never find anyone who I was crazy about and should just be happy with what I could get. This led to some very silly and desperate behaviour as I tried to salvage relationships that I should never have been in the first place. ....that led to a lot of self loathing.

I touched a true connection to someone once or twice. In one case he disappeared, the other didn't want the same things. The first has set a high bar, which I should have used to uphold a standard but I didn't- more on that later.

So I find myself single and more self aware and of course my marriage didn't work because I settled out of fear and self loathing....sad...pathetic, but it's what happened. My ex has his own reasons but that is his business. I tried as much as anyone could but too much of my trust had been damaged and you can't force someone to love his declaration of lack of love for me set me free. Can't try and save something that doesn't exist. But I can thank him, thank him for the opportunity to find true love and to learn to love myself.

What I gained are two beautiful children who are solely mine, and a chance. A chance at finding the love I always wanted, that I dreamed about, that I believe I deserve and that my children can use as an example. They deserve an amazing love to aspire to and a dad that is their hero.

Steps I have taken.....
So I have done four little things since becoming single nearly a month ago.....
1. I sent a letter to "Disappeared's" dad. This letter asks to know if he is happy and that is all. If he is, he was never suppose to be mine and I can move forward.....finally...after 13 years of searching, even closure would feel good.

2. I created a profile and searched on a dating site. I had two interested and gorgeous guys email me ( boost to self esteem) then stop upon seeing my picture ( stab to the self esteem). It got me down until I realized that that was ridiculous! Why would my true love not love all of me? These guys just narrowed the field, it wasn't personal and that set me free.

3.i reconnected with friends and have stopped hiding. No shame, no self loathing, no hiding.

4. I had a mentor do an angel card session. It was transformative. I have always been spiritual but have had only a couple of truly sacred experiences. As soon as T. Started the prayer for guidance I could feel the presence of people/Angels/goddesses pressing in all around. They reaffirmed much of the self knowledge I have stated above and pushed me to go deeper along this path of self actualization. They acknowledged my hurt and identified the wound left behind by Disappeared.....which will be healed one way or another. They have let me know that five years will see the expansion of my dreams and the resolution of my "broken" family. I am learning to believe and trust that again.

My father says I am becoming what everyone sees me as already. Maybe that's true, but what I am becoming is free- free from the lies and hurts I put upon myself. Freedom to create the life I dreamed of that I now believe I deserve.