Saturday, 25 July 2015


After everything went down with the single dad blow off last week, I was at a loss of where to go next on this journey. So I joined a free dating site- thinking I should expand my net....and two things happened:
1. I got in contact with a very interesting friend of a should have been great but I think he blew me off too.
2. I was bombarded by disgusting men who said horrible things. Misogyny is not dead, it's just moved online.
This resulted in me deleting my account. If friend of friend actually is interested, he has my number and contact details. I am not chasing a guy who is not that into me. I spent five years married to a guy who wasn't that in to me, why would I waste my time trying to date the same thing. No! Just no! I am sick of it.....and it's only been a few months. So I am retreating. I am reading and escaping into a world where men are good and like interesting, strong, women and go out of their way to prove it. I am retreating to a world where a single mom has value, is seen and is beautiful, I am retreating to a world where there might be a person that makes me fall in love....and I am staying there for awhile. Might not be healthy, but it's what I am going to least for now.

Monday, 20 July 2015

Beginning Again.....again.

I am naïve....optimistic if you will. It is my natural state to believe the good in people. It means I constant live in a state of disappointment because, sadly, most people ( male people) aren' that good. This last week I was riding such a high. ...I thought I had met a great guy who was interesting and interested in me. Then BAM, or rather.......he stops responding to messages. He saw enough, or learned enough. For five days we messaged back and forth with regularity. Then he sees two other pictures and zoom....he is away. Sure, he could be busy....but more than likely.....he is just not into me.....this is very very very sad. I had thought he might be somebody worth knowing, worth having my kids meet someday. Turns out, not even worth a date.....or I wasn't. I am trying not to let it kill my self esteem, but it's very easy to see why I was so damaged by this whole process before. Difficult to see what I learned here....maybe not to care too much?
Who we begin again.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Caught Up

So, for the past two nights I have not done my affirmation journal. Night before last I had a friend over and the kids were crazy, then last night I got caught up in a conversation with a guy in the similar situation as I am. It was so nice to be talking to someone fantastic and today things were going well......but then......the shiny or he got busy or I said the wrong thing....doesn't matter.  I am trying to not let it bother me.
What was nice today is that I didn't have insane urges to find out what happened to Disappeared. So, though I know I will always love him, maybe I can move on without kicking the door closed with all my might.mthats just how I feel tonight.

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Or Maybe Not......

The thing about online dating is, there is always something more sparkly. This means, even when you find someone great that you have a connection with- there is always someone enticing trying to break through. It's nothing personal- at least I am trying to not take it personally. To be honest, I knew it wasn't the one but thought I could have fun with it......but I just don't think that's me. I don't want that really. I want the big L. So being ignored/rejected clears the field again. It's coming. I say "it's" because, though I wish deep deep down it could be Stu, I just can't let all my hope live there. All I can expect there is some closure so everything is clear for the big L, whoever it might be.

What bugs me most about online dating is the mid getting to know you blow off. You are messaging each other, things are going well.....then they stop returning messages. Why? Usually it's because of the shiny......they don't just come out and say it, because if the shiny fails- they still have you....right? Nope, not when I am involved. I don't want to be somebody's safety. I usually thank them for their time and send them on their way.

I refuse to be a place holder or a back up. On this one I dodged a bullet, he was looking for a hookup before he even asked my real name. He might have been cute, might of saved the environment and fought fires, but he is still just a hound dog in superhero clothing. There is a lot of shiny out there and he is unencumbered, good luck on the hunt. Just don't pretend. If you are a hound, be a hound- I don't judge you, I just don't want you. Stop wasting my time pretending to be a superhero just to see if I'm huntable, I am not. I don't want to be. I am not on the hunt, I am on a quest- while both are looking for something, mine is specific and focused. But thank you, the field is clear again.

Friday, 10 July 2015

A New World

So, tonight is my night off from working out and I am spending it very stereotypically the way a single mom should- big glass of red wine watching a sexy movie ( Don Juan DeMarco). I don't indulge in this behaviour and this will be my first time....but seems as if first times are the theme for the day.
I have been talking to a guy. He is very honest, very earthy and very cute. He is not the forever guy. I know he is not the guy because, unLess some earth shattering chemistry occurs, he wants to remain in  his part of the province and I need to be here- in mine.
So....what's the point of even meeting? Getting back out there, and maybe having some fun. I have never dated without going into the date thinking the guy might be " the one". The fact of the matter is that I was so hell bent on finding " the one" that I tried to make everything work, even when I wasn't that into the guy.....I had zero self esteem and had no idea why my relationships/dates wouldn't work.
I am not that girl any more and I need to blow off some steam and have some silly, ridiculous fun....if it actually happens. I have a feeling he has been matched with someone he is more which case- move along sir, I got life to live.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

And the hits keep coming.....

So my ex used to pull the rug out from under me a lot...I was relieved when the marriage ended because that should have ended too....but no. Yesterday I received two whopping bills. One he lied and said was three thousand dollars less then it was and had said he had made $500.00 worth of payments BEFORE we seperated, he hadn't; the other was a bill he never mentioned, probably because he NEVER paid it! Am furious and really flabbergasted by this. I was sympathetic to his plight when we were married because he paid the majority of the bills which didn't leave him much of a pay check......except he wasn't paying them so where did all that money go??? I will never know.

Am doing better with accepting what the universe sends me. Yesterday was a hell of a day, plus I didn't get a job I applied for and our heat pump is broken ( I don't do well when overheated). It was tough, but I got my head wrapped around it. Whatever comes is meant and I will continue to try and find the good.....I also pray for a little closure from Disappeared, but trying to believe that what is meant to happen will.....

Friday, 3 July 2015

A New Day

okay, so I am a spiritualist, a pagan if you will. I have been since I was 15 or so. I believe in signs, in fate, in something bigger. However, I have never been very good at letting things " just happen". Once I sink my teeth in, I am a bit of a bulldog. I am learning to let this go, or trying to. It's probably why I have such a problem with Disappeared. I have always, ALWAYS felt like he would come back. I felt it deep deep in my bones, when he didn't, I stopped trusting my gut.
Now I think maybe that feeling wasn't so wrong,but I got the wrong lesson from it, I kept trying to make him come back instead of trusting the higher power to provide me with what I needed.  Today, in the sunshine, driving down the road I felt at peace. Somebody is watching out for me and what I have been looking for is coming, but I need to trust it- not force it. Like E's laugh....

My baby E, she is quick with a smile but her giggles are hard earned. I tried everything and she won't give it up, and it's a sweet sound so you want to hear it! However, recently, she has been letting fly with laughter more and more and always accidentally. Turns out, she just needed time to get there on her own. You can't force it, it needs to happen at the right time...I am constantly learning from my kids.

So I will keep reading my goddess deck nightly and keep my heart open. My cards seem to indicate I will find true love and that should expect a miracle and so I will- I will just work a bit harder at not trying to see that miracle as one specific person and will not try and force anything to occur....setting fate free to do what she will.....taking a breath and just believing.

Thursday, 2 July 2015

Day 2

Yesterday was a holiday so it didn't sink in, as we spent the day with my parents having a vacation. Today was the day it hit me- I am alone. Sure, I have the love and support of family and friends, but at the end of the day it's just me and my two babies. It's hard work!! I should be working out right at this second but I am tired. So I taking a minute to reflect and hoping, praying really, that everything in my angel session comes true. Today it's hard to see it. It's also hard to see that a miracle is coming, but I need to believe it.
It may not be very feminist and girl power of me, but my whole life I have wanted to fall in love. A love so big, it can be a haven in a storm and a net when I fall. It has occurred to me that I have had flashes or moments when I sort of felt it- but I have never really experienced it. My marriage was a constant free fall- having the rug ripped from under me every time I finally felt like I could take a breath- and my other relationships were short lived and tumultuous. Admittedly,  a lot of that was my fault. Still, I really have a hard time with trusting the universe and coming to grips with not knowing what is ahead of me. Maybe why I held so hard to the idea of Disappeared, he was something familiar when all the familiar was ripped away. Or maybe it was that big, and beautiful. Whoever walks in the door the next time will truly deserve to and will provide my kids with the person they are missing. Until then, I will learn to deal with the loneliness and the difficulty and the tired- because my kids deserve the world and I will be damned if they miss out just because we are missing a dad.