My world has shifted....my friend J, also a single mom, suggested we do the online dating thing at the same time so we could bolster each other and compare notes.....she started contacting two guys.....I saw a couple but mostly nothing interesting. It really felt like the universe was steering me away from that.....until it wasn't.
For five days I have been writing to a guy all day, and late into the night too. Normally I would be telling friends, my mom....you know but I don't want to. I am scared it will jinx it and I can't have that. This guy is tailor made for me. He banters better than anyone has with me. He is a carpenter ( hot) who was kind of a jock and has more than a little knowledge about dorky things that I love....and he plays along with my schtick.
I am not prepared for this. There is no game playing. We message all day and I don't keep track of whose turn......it doesn't matter. He surprises me, challenges me and scares me. It occurred to me, the other night while mowing, I have never been in love with someone who loved me that same way.
I was twenty when I met The Disappeared. We were friends for two years before anything happened. I loved him. Down to my core. He was everything I wanted and I loved who he was long before I fell in love with him. But it was brief and though he certainly had some feelings, I don't know and will probably never know what those are. Unrequited love.
The men in between, few I had strong feelings for. Grumpy, Happy and Confusing being the top three. After 13 years of friendship I certainly loved Grumpy and lusted too, but we wanted fundamentally different things and he wouldn't choose me. I longed to be chosen. Happy was quick and over as fast as it began and we barely knew each other.....no love, no foul. Confusing was just that. I certainly wAs attracted, I loved a lot of things about him but he kept me at arms length....
The ex was different. I was damaged, lost and had no self esteem and thought he was in love with me. He certainly was kind in the beginning. I loved him, at the beginning, but never in love. I drove around worrying about it and certainly convinced myself it would be the best I could get and all I deserved. We didn't banter and the things he told me we had in common were lies. He had few qualities I found attractive or essential. There was never that low down rumble that comes from sparks.....but my sparks had always got me in trouble.
So here we are....a man who is hitting all the boxes and it terrifies me. I truly am enjoying chatting but am worried that's all it might be for him.
I am not good at giving up control and falling in love is the relinquishing of all control and trusting someone explicitly. Feels like I found someone worth risking it for.