Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Alone and tired

I told Irish goodbye tonight...or farewell. I just couldn't do it. I know me. I am going to develop feelings, big ones, and he is not free. Also, if he cheats on his partner, he isn't the man I believed him to be and I want to believe he is. So I told him that we shouldn't talk until she knows what's going on. Until he speaks his heart and until he figures things out.
This means I may lose him, but if that's the case then he wasn't supposed to be mine in the first place. He may find renewed love with her, or chest with somebody else. But I can't be the one. It's harder than I expected. I feel really sad that this is how it has to be- but it does. I can't shake the guilt and extreme sadness for his partner and kids. I have been where they are. Being lied to hurts so bad. The truth is a release.
Golden eyes is gone too. I would be sad, but no spark.
So I am lonely and quiet and for tonight, a little sad. But proud of myself too.

Sunday, 18 October 2015

Door Slammed Shut, Windows Blown Open

So Builder Boy was a HUGE baby. Not only did he just stop talking to me when he met someone, he didn't even tell me then blocked me when I confronted him. And I think he came into MY town the very weekend we were supposed meet. Quite the coward in the end, luckily I found out before I fell.

I was very very upset....then the universe quirked up. They brought back into my life a former flame....let's call him Irish. Irish and I dated for about a month. I credit him with being one of the only people who ever treated me well. We broke up because he had a friend admit feelings for him. He felt the need to explore that and I respected him. He is a father and with someone, though he is not in love any longer. I don't know if this is a second chance or just a chance to be a friend to one who needs it-but I will let the universe lead......cause there is a second player...or so I hope.

Golden Eyes was a friend of a friend who I discovered when online dating the first time but I messed it up. Setting karma back, I apologized....expecting nothing. We have been sending a message a day and he surprises me. So....universe...two second chances which might not be.....but we'll just let things fall as they may.

What do I hope happens? I hope to fall in love with somebody who loves me back. Might be neither of these two, or it might be one.....have to wait and see how things play out....kinda exciting.

Sunday, 4 October 2015


I spent some time today with one of my mentors. She is everything I believe a woman should be and her path on this earth was to guide and help others find their way. She is a beacon and she helped guide me to my true happiness.
I am on the edge, and I have been avoiding speaking my heart and mind outloud because I am scared it will jinx it. As if saying what I truly want would make the universe snatch it away. But I am not so scared anymore. So I will say it-I believe in fate. I believe in it firmly. I believe that the universe responds in kind when you find your real path, when you are heading down the right road and it continues to bask you in the light of that rightness.
My mentor and I talk a lot about white light, about positive energy and I am throwing as much of it as I can out into the universe right now. I am starting to trust. That trust is building my career choice, but also in my burgeoning relationship.
When I started this dialogue with Builder Boy, I was hella insecure. I had no centre and was terrified that I would screw up. I kept pushing him away or giving him outs, or being needy. Now I do what I want and I have stopped worrying it will bother or scare him. It's solid, as solid as a penpal can be, and my need to be in constant communication has eased because, while I love talking to him, a lot of that was the need for reassurance and ego petting. Sure, I get insecure sometimes still, but at my core I feel warmth and truth and kinship. And right now, it's meant. What it's meant for or what will be is not clear, but it was supposed to be.  So I will let my wildness out, my revolutionary and risky beliefs flap free- if anonymously- I believe in fate and that the puzzle pieces are falling into place for me.

Friday, 2 October 2015

The breath before the fall

It's October. I have been a single woman for five months. I have been doing for myself, living my life and I am the happiest I have been in my whole life. This journey of self discovery, of getting to know me and allowing who I am to be happy has been so big. There is uneasiness as I learn to take risks and learn to believe the universe will catch me. But the universe is catching me. It's not always how I planned or exactly what I wanted, but it's close.

My theatre classes aren't full, but they are fun! I feel happy every time I step into the room with those kids. Subbing has started, and I have really pushed myself to contact all I know so that they will use me!

My kids are happy! They dance, they learn, they play, they are amazing! They are filled with love and laughter and I am learning to embrace the chaos that sometimes comes with trying to follow a schedule but also appreciating the moments. We are a unit, strong and united and real.

I am letting someone in. Someone who hasn't followed the pattern of everyone that has come before. Someone who I like as a person, who is kind and hard working and funny and real. Someone who might not be here for forever, but is the type of person who I hope to stay forever with. Someone who has earned enough trust from me that I am feeling safe enough to not need constant reassurance or second guess everything they tell me. I needed to learn that these people, good people, are out there in the world and sometimes what they say is exactly what hey mean. I needed to trust and if that's all I gain from this, then it will be a lot.

I like who I am, how I look and what I have to offer. I believe in myself and what is going on with me and I will continue to work on it and respect the process. I won't hide anymore.

So I enter the fall, my favourite season, powerful, alive and thankful. Thankful to everyone who made this journey possible and who is coming with me- it's going to be an awesome ride!