Tuesday, 20 December 2016

The Last Road Block

Last night I had a dream that my ex showed up at my house randomly and wanted to see the kids. The children were confused, Eva was frightened and Xander was angry and upset. I woke up that way. This is the last day that my ex can contest the divorce. If he doesn't or does nothing at all, my lawyer can file and my divorce will be final in six weeks. If he has done nothing at all, it would also mean that the courts will be chasing him for awhile, because he is supposed to have provided information and failing to do so is an issue. But hopefully, this is the end of the line for this whole thing.
I want to move forward with my life and feel like my kids are protected and safe. I don't have any reason to feel that he would contest, but he has been a slimy piece of work up until now so you never know.

Monday, 28 November 2016

Lagging Doubt

Up until this point of time, my Mountain and I have been very happy with very few snags. But two weeks ago we visited his house for the first time and it did not go well. He was cranky (we were early) and his house was not in a condition which I would feel comfortable living in. Mess would be a kind word, it was just dirty with garbage and food scraps everywhere. Not a lot of pride in his place. And that is a warning sign to me. I thought perhaps it was just the day, but I visited again last week and it was worse.....
I am very worried about this. Seems like small beans maybe, but I know thats how my ex lived before me and I refuse to be someone elses maid/mother. Since then, I haven't felt the same about our relationship. I am not eager to spend time at his place and am worried that he is just not the right man for me-after going and getting all emotionally involved.
Not a good feeling with everything else going on. At this point in time I have to figure out if this was just a little blip in an otherwise tidy and productive man's life-or is he lazy.

I was married to a guy who was lazy at his core. Responsibilities were burdens and so I became a burden, as did our kids. I am not lazy. I am a force or whirlwind and I get stuff done. Its not always perfect but I can't live in clutter or mess. I need a clean slate and a generally tidy environment or I simply can't relax. I still make my bed everyday. I don't eat or drink (except for the occasional cup of tea) in my bed and my kids know how to pick up their toys, load and unload the dishwasher, and help clean the bathroom and put away the laundry. I expect that of them. My parents expected it of me. My ex wasn't given these responsibilities and felt like he was very put upon when the bulk of them fell to him when I was at home tending our young child, then children. I need the full out, all in, in the trenches guy who chooses me and our life and works at it. And I need him to want it. Mountain is great, just not sure if that's in him.

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

The Immensity of Emotion

My Warrior is quickly becoming my Mountain. Strong, steadfast, true. He evokes feelings of admiration, patience, desire and overwhelming love. Being crazy about someone is so new and different for me. I love how I feel around him and how open he has been with me about how he feels.
Sometimes he says things that should be scary and make me run but I want to go deeper, I want to be deeper with him than I have ever want to be with anyone. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable in many ways and that's allowing our relationship to be stronger than ones I have experienced in the past.
It hasn't been a smooth sail or easy road. His past has tried to interrupt and derail our present and it was very hard to choose love and choose trust in a moment when both were challenged and at risk. But I did and I am happy that I did. There were moments of doubt, and there still are occasionally but I see the way he looks at me and that's something you can't fake.
Loving someone with an open heart is both difficult and amazing. It is everyday. Although it doesn't take away the everyday troubles or the mounting fear within my particular world (looming strike and risky show), it does make those things easier to cope with.
He has my back. He is in this beside me. Together I feels safe and true and protected.

Monday, 31 October 2016


The intensity of falling for someone is immense. I have not experienced what I am involved with currently. Its super super cheesy to say but I have really never felt like this before. There are long and intense gazes, hyper connection and the inability to stop thinking about or wanting to be near the other person.
Thus far I have only found two things that I don't adore about my boyfriend. One is that he smokes pot and the other is that he isn't as fitness oriented as me. Neither of these things seems that important, as he doesn't smoke around me or the kids, and the other because I think that he will become more health conscious as things go on and I like how he looks.
It is more about how I feel when I am with him. I feel safe and protected and adored and I know he feels that way about me.
I am lucky and overwhelmed and connected and right. It is kind of a beautiful thing. I want to post it on facebook (which I never do) and take pictures of us together. I have not had a relationship that has been documented with pictures of any kind. I have pictures of my boyfriends, or my ex husband, but very few of me with them. I want record of this. I want pictures of us together because of how I feel about him and how he feels about me. I want to tell the world and let everyone know how happy I am to be with him.
Is everything perfect? No but it feels that way because the things that are not perfect are either fixable or don't matter. I am excited and happy and supported and not scared. He is the person I have waited to meet and the feeling is worth the wait.

Monday, 24 October 2016

Feels Like We're On Top of the World

My goodness....things are so different now. My whole world has opened up and my heart aches because it's so full. When I met Warrior, i knew things were good and solid and sweet. I had no idea how much my heart would fill with his and how fast i would fall when it happened.
Being swept away in a romance that feels so big, and so right is intoxicating. I have never experienced anything like it, and I am unlikely to again. I miss when he isn't around, I think about us constantly and I feel protected in a warm and positive light.
How many times in your life can you find a guy that starts slow dancing with you during a passionate kiss and can strongly articulate his exact feelings for you with feeling? How often is it that you become deeply infatuated with someone after spending so little time? Maybe this happens often to most people, but I haven't experienced anything like this before. I feel blessed and lucky to have met him.
Next time the universe sends me repetitive messages, I will listen sooner and more closely. This is the feeling I have been waiting my whole life to feel and I get to feel it with the best guy in the world.

Friday, 21 October 2016

The Cliches in Spades that Don't Feel Cliches

Okay, I have been naturally cynical since I was a kid. Cheesy lines and the spouting of pretty words always seemed silly and fell short. Don't get me wrong, I have a romantic soul, but I have never felt that the words were true-they felt hollow and so I laughed.
But this is different. I hear them, I feel them and when he says them-he means them. Having been guarded my whole life, it feels so strange to be running pell-mell towards something, openly, with no armor, instead of approaching with caution and shields raised.

Is this what it feels like to fall for someone? Is this the feeling that I have been waiting to have since I was a child? I couldn't tell you. I am trying not to overthink it, just feel and enjoy the moment that I have being completely and totally crazy over a guy that has the emotional maturity to express his feelings back.

I don't have to make it work, or look for a future or plan how things will go-because it is working, our future is right now in this moment and things are falling into place with no plan and no effort. He is the safe space, the open door and the right heart to beat in tandem with mine. And so bring on the cliches, because they feel pretty true and fit just right for right now in my life.

Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Everything Changes

I have always been a bit cynical and my life lately has not lent itself to changing that viewpoint of late. I have always thought romantic lines were kinda cheesy, always assumed I didn't need any romance, have not had that instant connection and recognition with anyone. Dating lately seemed pointless and men seemed ineffective, lazy and ADD.

When I first started writing my Warrior, I was not overly in to it. But we had good conversations and they weren't typical of most people on a dating site. Then last week I just was like, "what the hell, let's not waste time, let's meet." So I invited him over and we met. To be fair, I thought his picture was cute but he stated he was a gamer-and that is not something I am overly interested in getting involved with because of my ex husband. I had low or no expectations, I just wanted to change things, get out of the cycle I was in. Then he got out of the car and my life altered. I was instantly attracted, and when he spoke-his voice was incredibly sexy. "Giddy Up".

We spent the evening flirting, drinking a beer or two and watching one of my favorite shows. I think we could both tell that we were in to each other but neither of us could figure out how to break the touch gap. I could feel his attraction to me and I think he felt it back. At the door we both were awkward and admitted we didn't know what to do, and then both leaned in and kissed. It was a solid lip lock and hinted at a lot of potential to come.

He messaged me within thirty minutes of leaving and came over again on Sunday night when things really heated up, in a PG 13 way. To feel your feelings reflected back on you through someone elses eyes is a gift. To have chemistry and excitement and joy without any questioning or neurotic behavior is unreal. To respect and admire your partner and feel valued and wanted and overwhelmed is something that I have not experienced but I have those feelings with him and it was instantaneous. I feel blessed and tuned in and completely swamped with how an emotionally aware and open man can make me feel. No games, no invading, just follow through and a whole lot of feeling that makes all of the bumps and missteps worth it.

Thursday, 13 October 2016

The Harsh Light of Day

My head is kind of messy as I keep making the same mistake over and over. But I took a stand last night, not that I haven't before, but its a step. Baby steps are important. I made one. I also haven't heard anything feedback wise so I guess that makes it easier. I am so tired of fighting and trying to keep something when it's not even something I know I should keep.

There are aspects of it that I will miss but I know that there was manipulation happening there. Trying to make me feel small and bad about myself and I don't need that in my life any more. I just don't. If I can remove it, in all aspects of my life, I can grow as a person and become a stronger person. I never thought caring about people would lead to such hurt, but it does.

I keep writing about it. I keep trying to take a stand and I keep backing down. I need to stop backing down and keep strong. I know I have plans this weekend, and that helps. I also have started to enjoy the time I have to myself because I really haven't gotten very much since I have continually been booked for full days (can't complain, money is good).

Just want to see things for how they are in the daylight instead of snuggling up the comfort of the shadows in the night.

Friday, 7 October 2016


I am at a crossroads. I am unsure of exactly what I should do. I could spend another weekend in the comfortable but not healthy presence of Golden Eye or I could use this opportunity for a true and solid break-giving the Doppleganger a chance.

Who is the Doppleganger and aren't you on a hiatus? I hung on to one person. We only talk when he sends me a message first and we have great conversations. He is everything I could want in a guy and we have a lot in common. A whole lot. However, there are a few warning signs that have me hesitant-they could be nothing, just freak coincidence, or they could be something. I talked to someone for four months starting this time last year and then they disappeared-this guy lives in the same place, had the same cancer and some of his speech patterns are the same.....and he is resistant to giving me his information and hasn't shared any additional pictures. This is very worrisome and stops my from allowing myself in too deep.

I blew him him off last weekend when I had Golden Eyes over and if I cave and do what feels comfortable, I could risk losing something that could be right and good for me. So I have to try and deny what I want temporarily so I can give what I truly want a chance.

I hope I am strong enough.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Fixing the Unfixable

This has been a hard few weeks. However, things are starting to slowly turn around for me and my hard work is paying off....albeit slowly.
I am starting to trust that my school will find opportunities for me to put in extra hours. Just two afternoons a week mean a HUGE difference in my pay check. And even if it's sometimes stressful, it's a whole lot better than worrying about cash flow-especially with my ex not bothering with his payments. This money also means that my theatre class money stretches further and I can not touch it for a bit. That is massive as well.
I also have almost all the kids Christmas shopping done and then I can start to work on everyone else. I can stretch a dollar further than most people and I do. Regularly. I also work really hard for the money I make and I multitask like a demon. Today I am feeling efficient and solid and like I am going to be okay.
I haven't solved all the problems, they are still there, but I am learning to cope with them in a better and more manageable way. It's going to be difficult, but it's starting to come together.
One day at a time.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

The Whisper that Shouts

When I started my solo journey I visited a mentor. My mentor does angel card readings and she warned me about being taken advantage of by people who take more than they give. The universe is helping me work on this-as its a habit I tend to fall in to. I want to help people and I care a lot about them, so I end up giving them chance after chance and often I do not get anything back. Sometimes that is okay, but if you have someone in your life that does this consistently, it becomes a drain and it breaks your heart. I am getting better at setting limits with new acquaintances-but its people who have been around longer I still have to work at. Once a pattern is established, it's very hard to break it.

However, the universe is letting me know when to quit, and when it's okay, and my gut is getting more accurate all the time. Usually universal signs are whispers that we have to pay close attention to or only recognize after the fact. But this year, with this issue in particular-they have been loud and very very obvious.  The universe shouts at me.Every time I let myself believe that the situation with one of my leeches has changed, the universe indicates that it hasn't. Why do I waste my time with people who are negative and make me feel less than? I don't know. I am still unpacking that and the situations that my willingness to accept less has caused me. I am not sure I will ever stop feeling the need to help and heal, but I am resolved to spend that energy on people who are deserving. The leeches better find someone else to suck dry, and when they insult me about denying them-I need to know that their words aren't to be listened to.  I would say that I have "finally got it out of my system". But I have said it before, so i guess its better to say "I hear you universe, and I am trying really hard to listen."

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Like a Bird on a Wire

Things are not "going well". My car needs a new engine, my ex is two months behind in his payments and is VERY effective at ignoring my messages. I have not heard back from my lawyer and I feel like there is a very heavy weight pushing on my chest and rocks tied around my feet, pulling me under water.
I am fighting it. I am trying. I am trying to see the positives and enjoy the "little moments" and I am so very grateful for all I have. But I need a break. I need something in my life to work. If one aspect works out, I feel like I could handle the other parts with some amount of grace. Cause its not graceful now. It's a mess.
I am not a crier and I feel like I have spent two weeks bawling my eyes out for some reason or another. I feel hopeless and I usually can find the silver lining and the hope. I want to be that person again but I feel like I am trying to claw my way out of a black hole and that is a very overwhelming way to feel.
Feeling that way makes me make rash choices, trying to cling on to some sort of comfort and support. But i know it isn't right for me. I do okay during the week, but by the weekend I just want something for myself. So I give time to someone who isn't good for me because they give me time and make it easy to have someone there. But easy doesn't make it right, and their attitude and lackadaisical attitude of letting me do everything gets old quickly. Stopping would be smart, but its the only adult contact I have. I have to do into island mode, but its very difficult to purposely isolate yourself when you already feel isolated.

Monday, 3 October 2016

The Power of No

I want to believe people. I want to trust and I want to believe that people are innately kind. I give people a lot of the benefit of the doubt and a lot of chances because of this. But I am learning things, hard things, and one of those things is that people do not always deserve second chances and that actions speak louder than words.
One guy I was talking to before the hiatus kept telling me he was excited to meet me and that he wanted to have a relationship with me but he had zero follow through and blew through three weekends where he could have made the effort to get together. After finally messaging him to meet up-he ignored my message and the weekend passed. Ending in my deleting him as a friend on facebook and as a contact on my phone. I don't need it. Move along. If you aren't in, really in, then get the hell out.
In the past I would have put up with this ridiculous behavior-now I don't and I won't. Its a conscious choice to stop playing the victim and stop letting other people make me feel helpless and hopeless.
Are things getting better? Not really....yet. Will they in the future? I certainly hope so. My big boxes to tick off are: 1.Getting the Divorce Papers Finalized 2. Getting my Ex to pay his debt 3. Fixing my company. There are other things, but those are the big ones, and they are all out of my hands. As soon as number 1 is handled, I think I will start sleeping better-and that will fix a lot of things for me.

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

By My Hand and My Heart

It has been about a week since I decided to focus on me and the kids. Things I have notice-It has not helped my stress or my patience but those things are do to cash flow and exhaustion. It has made me more present with my kids. I can tune in better, be more spontaneous, and after they go to bed I am getting things done. I am enjoying them more and noticing things more.
The play I am about to present will have lovely sets because I am taking the time to prepare the pieces and plan out how they look and what I want them to be. I am sleeping better on most nights.

I am not anxious any more and not scared to be myself when I do talk to people. I am more honest and not afraid of them going away because if they do then they aren't the guy for me.

I am more authentically that way in my regular life too. Being unwilling to be a victim of bad behavior means that I am unwilling right across the board. This means big changes and BIG choices. It has led me to giving a script I have held for a year to someone I like but had distanced myself from because someone else didn't like her. And I think it could be a good project for both of us. She is the mom of two, and so am I, and she will understand and feel connected to the material.

I am not 100% happy yet but I am finding my way back to that. Last year I was joyous to be out of the marriage and frantic and determined to make a good life on my terms. I was relieved and it translated to happiness. This year, the happiness is harder to find as the reality of my life settles in-but the happiness is deeper felt and more genuine because it's been won and earned by my own hand and my own choice-and that's something that hasn't happened in a long time.

Friday, 23 September 2016

Jettison the Judgement and the Anger

My lawyer finally wrote me (it's been since July). Basically he advised to not bother trying to get the money that was stolen back, and just focus on getting those papers signed and sent back. So the ex is being served and I should know by the end of next week if I can sign and get the official "divorce" certificate. I might frame the thing.

The hiatus is still on. To add fuel to my decision, Golden Eyes (alcoholic ex), is spouting negative drivel and suggested we don't talk anymore, and someone I was speaking to last year is now taking out a friend. I messed up there. He is gorgeous and seems like a good guy, but I blew him off in favor of the above mentioned ex. Pretty dumb.

I have come to the, not so startling, realization that my impatience as led me to date some real losers instead of the embracing the silent dignity and quiet happiness of life with my little ones. So i am checking back in and have stopped using guys to escape from the everyday loneliness that permeates my life. Yes, it has only been a few days-but the clarity is what is important.

That clarity was sort of rudely dumped on me. I went looking for a community of support and I joined a single woman's community online. I made the a post as suggested by the community and BAM, a woman poured her judgement all over me. She suggested I should focus my time and effort on my kids for the next few YEARS. Immediately I was angry! How could this woman,who does not know me, presume to make judgement about if I was ready to date or not and imply that looking for a guy was some how detracting from my kids! I am a full time Mom, my kids get everything I have. But as I fumed, I also thought. And the thinking led me to this-I was using the search for someone and the conversations that followed as an escape from my own loneliness. This led me to settle and that is something I just won't do anymore.

No effort, no convo. I am done playing dumb and having long drawn out conversations with guys I am just not that into. None of these jackasses want to meet, so maybe i am not suppose to meet them right now. So although I do not agree with what the woman said or how she said it-I am taking time off.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

The rest was Silence

Last night was the first night that I have had nobody to chat with before I went to sleep. No guy to exchange flirty responses with and nobody to wish sweet dreams to. I knew it was going to happen. I have avoided the trashy dating site and the other two just aren't filled with many options. I was worried it would be horrible and empty and lonely. And, admittedly, it was a little lonely. But there was a quiet satisfaction in the silence that occurred with only the voice in my head and only myself to focus on.
There is solace in the silence, a deep restful peace that resonates as I slowly sink into it and start to believe that, yes, I am enough. Myself. Alone. Me. I am enough and I am okay.
I am a natural people person but i am learning to be satisfied with being on my own.
I have wasted a lot of time on men who do not deserve it. They are not doers, they do not make an effort and they do not give of themselves. And i put up with it. I engaged, and I made the effort and I tried. But it's been three weeks now and I am not willing to put up with the crumbs of attention they tossed. I would finally rather have nothing.
My heart is precious and its solid and I will give everything to someone who is willing to do the same. But until that day. Until that person can say "You are the one I choose over everyone else", then the rest is silence.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

Beauty in the Breakdown

I don't go out. I don't get breaks. I don't hang out with other adults. I am isolated. And for now, thats okay. I make happy couples uncomfortable with my anger and my frustration and I am not able to be spontaneous enough for single people to want to be around.
I am climbing a mountain every day. I have a small breakdown around dinnertime when my kids are fighting. E is trying to eat a pound of butter (which she has liberated from the freezer and unwrapped most of) and put her hands over everything i am preparing to eat and X is whining about needing milk, how I am no fun, and how I am not doing anything he asks.
I yell. I am not a yeller. They get quiet. I apologize. I get frustrated and then i pull it back together and we have a good evening together. This happens every night.

I am trying to practice grace and being grateful. I have two beautiful children. They are bright and intelligent and funny and silly. People say I should be thankful I have them and that their father is not in the picture but still pays his support (hopefully that will continue). I am grateful for that. But that doesn't change the fact that they are also demanding and young and challenging.And i am alone.
I have wonderful parents who take them twice a week while i work, and an aunt and uncle who do enrichment activities with them every few months. But I am alone.

I work out most nights and run a business and i talk to friends. But I am an island. I miss conversation and support and grown human contact. And i am tired, so tired of trying to make something real out of the superficial connections of the online dating world. So I am retiring.

I am Brooke Davising (One Tree Hill is my guilty pleasure, and Brooke's ability to cope with her constantly giving herself away to have it handed back, is something i get.). I have been watching season six and i cry every episode. Ball. I am not a crier. I control. I push down and breathe, I don't cry. But the last few nights, alone in my room, I cry like a baby. Watching someone who has always been the best friend, the other girl, the second choice, become someone's first choice-someone's always-is pretty close to home. Especially when all I ever wanted from the time I was a little girl, was to be the person someone picked first.

Unless some guy is willing to put in some effort. Unless he pursues and views me like the girl he could want to spend his life with-i am uninterested in the chase. I am an island that no longer needs smoke signals from passing ships and planes. Unless someone chooses to visit or build a life here on island me, sail on my fine fellows-sail on.

Wednesday, 14 September 2016

The Mean Reds

I am furious. So incredibly pissed off. My ex has not said one word about the kids, asked to see them or done anything for them (other than pay his child support). He is supposed to be repaying a debt he owes me that he stuck me with after we separated (in direct violation of the separation agreement).
He set the amount and the date and not once, NOT ONCE, has he paid on time.
I am trying to be a superhero, create a life for my kids, be both parents, never let them go lacking but today I am so angry that he makes me beg for the money he owes me. He wont return messages and he is horrible. I just want to be done. But he owes me that money! I could give up, but that is what he wants me to do.

I knew i would be giving up my social life when i had kids, but i had a partner. Now I am alone. I am so alone. My parents are helping so I can work, and I have me time at night. Me, myself and I. Quiet, and alone with nobody to lean on or talk to. And I need someone to talk to. I am so tired of being strong.

Friday, 9 September 2016

A New Year

It's been about a year since i last saw my ex. In that year I have had two online relationships that ended in sudden ghosting and hurt feelings. Dated one guy who, at 44, couldn't figure out how he felt about me so I had to end it; Dated another guy who was fantastic and who I thought I might fall for, until he disappeared and ghosted me; Was in a long term on and off again relationship with a toxic guy who I finally feel I am done with; and had countless conversations with many guys who either wanted to chat about sex pretty explicitly or would not commit to a date.

I also single parented my kids, ran my company and grew my company, worked full time, grew as a person and got some closure about past relationships.

I learned a lot. One of the things I learned the most about was myself and my relationship with men. I discovered this year that I am an alpha. I have learned what that means and I am okay with it. I am becoming so okay with it that I am warning potential suitors up front. I have also started just pulling the plug on things early, when I know its not right. This has had me labelled as "pushy", "too honest", "bitchy" and I am sure "Crazy". But the difference is, I am not 22, or 28 or 30 and I am not just dating for me. I am dating for three.

When I started this journey, I had a three and one year old. I wasnt worried about exposing them to people I dated (they only met the mess), because they are used to meeting new people and they were so young they didnt get it. But things are different now. My son idolizes his male soccer coach (the same age as a dad), and his sitters husband, and random guys that are dad age that we run into. The last time I had the Mess over, my son cried after we had dropped him off. He sees others with a nuclear family and he desperately wants one. And God Damn it, I want to give him that!!

I am not sure what has happened, if dating has always been this horrible, if people have always been this cruel and apathetic or if I have just been out of the scene too long, but I am genuinely sick of asshats who ghost, who arent really looking for much beyond a hookup. This instant gratification society makes me frustrated. Its not who I am and its not behavior I will put up with.

I am self sufficient, a whole person, strong and resilient, and I am doing okay. If a guy wants to step to me, he damn well better be prepared to step up in every. My kids deserve that, and so do I. Pushy? Demanding? You bet I am and I will continue to be until i find the person that makes it unnecessary to be that way.

Sunday, 10 April 2016

Releasing the Reins

Its almost been a year since I have been seperated. In that time I have made connections, launched my business, found my spirit and learned a lot about myself. I dated a man I knew wasn't right and am now standing on the threshold of a relationship that could be exactly what I need and ultimately what I have spent my life looking for-if I don't screw it up.
I have never really fallen in love. I have written about that before, and it's true. When I look at the times I was close, the same things happened- I was not in control and I didn't expect it. The not expecting meant controlling it was out of the question. I have control issues. Knowing this has led to some 'real talk' about the situation I am currently in. I am frustrated, paranoid and out of my depth. I am constantly battling trying to push or pull it along instead of letting it unfold organically. And why?  I don't know him, I may not even like him? But I hate feeling this uncertainty. So, I am going to take a breath and close my eyes and just stop trying to force things. Trusting that, if it's going to happen, it will.