Wednesday, 28 September 2016

By My Hand and My Heart

It has been about a week since I decided to focus on me and the kids. Things I have notice-It has not helped my stress or my patience but those things are do to cash flow and exhaustion. It has made me more present with my kids. I can tune in better, be more spontaneous, and after they go to bed I am getting things done. I am enjoying them more and noticing things more.
The play I am about to present will have lovely sets because I am taking the time to prepare the pieces and plan out how they look and what I want them to be. I am sleeping better on most nights.

I am not anxious any more and not scared to be myself when I do talk to people. I am more honest and not afraid of them going away because if they do then they aren't the guy for me.

I am more authentically that way in my regular life too. Being unwilling to be a victim of bad behavior means that I am unwilling right across the board. This means big changes and BIG choices. It has led me to giving a script I have held for a year to someone I like but had distanced myself from because someone else didn't like her. And I think it could be a good project for both of us. She is the mom of two, and so am I, and she will understand and feel connected to the material.

I am not 100% happy yet but I am finding my way back to that. Last year I was joyous to be out of the marriage and frantic and determined to make a good life on my terms. I was relieved and it translated to happiness. This year, the happiness is harder to find as the reality of my life settles in-but the happiness is deeper felt and more genuine because it's been won and earned by my own hand and my own choice-and that's something that hasn't happened in a long time.

Friday, 23 September 2016

Jettison the Judgement and the Anger

My lawyer finally wrote me (it's been since July). Basically he advised to not bother trying to get the money that was stolen back, and just focus on getting those papers signed and sent back. So the ex is being served and I should know by the end of next week if I can sign and get the official "divorce" certificate. I might frame the thing.

The hiatus is still on. To add fuel to my decision, Golden Eyes (alcoholic ex), is spouting negative drivel and suggested we don't talk anymore, and someone I was speaking to last year is now taking out a friend. I messed up there. He is gorgeous and seems like a good guy, but I blew him off in favor of the above mentioned ex. Pretty dumb.

I have come to the, not so startling, realization that my impatience as led me to date some real losers instead of the embracing the silent dignity and quiet happiness of life with my little ones. So i am checking back in and have stopped using guys to escape from the everyday loneliness that permeates my life. Yes, it has only been a few days-but the clarity is what is important.

That clarity was sort of rudely dumped on me. I went looking for a community of support and I joined a single woman's community online. I made the a post as suggested by the community and BAM, a woman poured her judgement all over me. She suggested I should focus my time and effort on my kids for the next few YEARS. Immediately I was angry! How could this woman,who does not know me, presume to make judgement about if I was ready to date or not and imply that looking for a guy was some how detracting from my kids! I am a full time Mom, my kids get everything I have. But as I fumed, I also thought. And the thinking led me to this-I was using the search for someone and the conversations that followed as an escape from my own loneliness. This led me to settle and that is something I just won't do anymore.

No effort, no convo. I am done playing dumb and having long drawn out conversations with guys I am just not that into. None of these jackasses want to meet, so maybe i am not suppose to meet them right now. So although I do not agree with what the woman said or how she said it-I am taking time off.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

The rest was Silence

Last night was the first night that I have had nobody to chat with before I went to sleep. No guy to exchange flirty responses with and nobody to wish sweet dreams to. I knew it was going to happen. I have avoided the trashy dating site and the other two just aren't filled with many options. I was worried it would be horrible and empty and lonely. And, admittedly, it was a little lonely. But there was a quiet satisfaction in the silence that occurred with only the voice in my head and only myself to focus on.
There is solace in the silence, a deep restful peace that resonates as I slowly sink into it and start to believe that, yes, I am enough. Myself. Alone. Me. I am enough and I am okay.
I am a natural people person but i am learning to be satisfied with being on my own.
I have wasted a lot of time on men who do not deserve it. They are not doers, they do not make an effort and they do not give of themselves. And i put up with it. I engaged, and I made the effort and I tried. But it's been three weeks now and I am not willing to put up with the crumbs of attention they tossed. I would finally rather have nothing.
My heart is precious and its solid and I will give everything to someone who is willing to do the same. But until that day. Until that person can say "You are the one I choose over everyone else", then the rest is silence.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

Beauty in the Breakdown

I don't go out. I don't get breaks. I don't hang out with other adults. I am isolated. And for now, thats okay. I make happy couples uncomfortable with my anger and my frustration and I am not able to be spontaneous enough for single people to want to be around.
I am climbing a mountain every day. I have a small breakdown around dinnertime when my kids are fighting. E is trying to eat a pound of butter (which she has liberated from the freezer and unwrapped most of) and put her hands over everything i am preparing to eat and X is whining about needing milk, how I am no fun, and how I am not doing anything he asks.
I yell. I am not a yeller. They get quiet. I apologize. I get frustrated and then i pull it back together and we have a good evening together. This happens every night.

I am trying to practice grace and being grateful. I have two beautiful children. They are bright and intelligent and funny and silly. People say I should be thankful I have them and that their father is not in the picture but still pays his support (hopefully that will continue). I am grateful for that. But that doesn't change the fact that they are also demanding and young and challenging.And i am alone.
I have wonderful parents who take them twice a week while i work, and an aunt and uncle who do enrichment activities with them every few months. But I am alone.

I work out most nights and run a business and i talk to friends. But I am an island. I miss conversation and support and grown human contact. And i am tired, so tired of trying to make something real out of the superficial connections of the online dating world. So I am retiring.

I am Brooke Davising (One Tree Hill is my guilty pleasure, and Brooke's ability to cope with her constantly giving herself away to have it handed back, is something i get.). I have been watching season six and i cry every episode. Ball. I am not a crier. I control. I push down and breathe, I don't cry. But the last few nights, alone in my room, I cry like a baby. Watching someone who has always been the best friend, the other girl, the second choice, become someone's first choice-someone's always-is pretty close to home. Especially when all I ever wanted from the time I was a little girl, was to be the person someone picked first.

Unless some guy is willing to put in some effort. Unless he pursues and views me like the girl he could want to spend his life with-i am uninterested in the chase. I am an island that no longer needs smoke signals from passing ships and planes. Unless someone chooses to visit or build a life here on island me, sail on my fine fellows-sail on.

Wednesday, 14 September 2016

The Mean Reds

I am furious. So incredibly pissed off. My ex has not said one word about the kids, asked to see them or done anything for them (other than pay his child support). He is supposed to be repaying a debt he owes me that he stuck me with after we separated (in direct violation of the separation agreement).
He set the amount and the date and not once, NOT ONCE, has he paid on time.
I am trying to be a superhero, create a life for my kids, be both parents, never let them go lacking but today I am so angry that he makes me beg for the money he owes me. He wont return messages and he is horrible. I just want to be done. But he owes me that money! I could give up, but that is what he wants me to do.

I knew i would be giving up my social life when i had kids, but i had a partner. Now I am alone. I am so alone. My parents are helping so I can work, and I have me time at night. Me, myself and I. Quiet, and alone with nobody to lean on or talk to. And I need someone to talk to. I am so tired of being strong.

Friday, 9 September 2016

A New Year

It's been about a year since i last saw my ex. In that year I have had two online relationships that ended in sudden ghosting and hurt feelings. Dated one guy who, at 44, couldn't figure out how he felt about me so I had to end it; Dated another guy who was fantastic and who I thought I might fall for, until he disappeared and ghosted me; Was in a long term on and off again relationship with a toxic guy who I finally feel I am done with; and had countless conversations with many guys who either wanted to chat about sex pretty explicitly or would not commit to a date.

I also single parented my kids, ran my company and grew my company, worked full time, grew as a person and got some closure about past relationships.

I learned a lot. One of the things I learned the most about was myself and my relationship with men. I discovered this year that I am an alpha. I have learned what that means and I am okay with it. I am becoming so okay with it that I am warning potential suitors up front. I have also started just pulling the plug on things early, when I know its not right. This has had me labelled as "pushy", "too honest", "bitchy" and I am sure "Crazy". But the difference is, I am not 22, or 28 or 30 and I am not just dating for me. I am dating for three.

When I started this journey, I had a three and one year old. I wasnt worried about exposing them to people I dated (they only met the mess), because they are used to meeting new people and they were so young they didnt get it. But things are different now. My son idolizes his male soccer coach (the same age as a dad), and his sitters husband, and random guys that are dad age that we run into. The last time I had the Mess over, my son cried after we had dropped him off. He sees others with a nuclear family and he desperately wants one. And God Damn it, I want to give him that!!

I am not sure what has happened, if dating has always been this horrible, if people have always been this cruel and apathetic or if I have just been out of the scene too long, but I am genuinely sick of asshats who ghost, who arent really looking for much beyond a hookup. This instant gratification society makes me frustrated. Its not who I am and its not behavior I will put up with.

I am self sufficient, a whole person, strong and resilient, and I am doing okay. If a guy wants to step to me, he damn well better be prepared to step up in every. My kids deserve that, and so do I. Pushy? Demanding? You bet I am and I will continue to be until i find the person that makes it unnecessary to be that way.