Monday, 31 October 2016


The intensity of falling for someone is immense. I have not experienced what I am involved with currently. Its super super cheesy to say but I have really never felt like this before. There are long and intense gazes, hyper connection and the inability to stop thinking about or wanting to be near the other person.
Thus far I have only found two things that I don't adore about my boyfriend. One is that he smokes pot and the other is that he isn't as fitness oriented as me. Neither of these things seems that important, as he doesn't smoke around me or the kids, and the other because I think that he will become more health conscious as things go on and I like how he looks.
It is more about how I feel when I am with him. I feel safe and protected and adored and I know he feels that way about me.
I am lucky and overwhelmed and connected and right. It is kind of a beautiful thing. I want to post it on facebook (which I never do) and take pictures of us together. I have not had a relationship that has been documented with pictures of any kind. I have pictures of my boyfriends, or my ex husband, but very few of me with them. I want record of this. I want pictures of us together because of how I feel about him and how he feels about me. I want to tell the world and let everyone know how happy I am to be with him.
Is everything perfect? No but it feels that way because the things that are not perfect are either fixable or don't matter. I am excited and happy and supported and not scared. He is the person I have waited to meet and the feeling is worth the wait.

Monday, 24 October 2016

Feels Like We're On Top of the World

My goodness....things are so different now. My whole world has opened up and my heart aches because it's so full. When I met Warrior, i knew things were good and solid and sweet. I had no idea how much my heart would fill with his and how fast i would fall when it happened.
Being swept away in a romance that feels so big, and so right is intoxicating. I have never experienced anything like it, and I am unlikely to again. I miss when he isn't around, I think about us constantly and I feel protected in a warm and positive light.
How many times in your life can you find a guy that starts slow dancing with you during a passionate kiss and can strongly articulate his exact feelings for you with feeling? How often is it that you become deeply infatuated with someone after spending so little time? Maybe this happens often to most people, but I haven't experienced anything like this before. I feel blessed and lucky to have met him.
Next time the universe sends me repetitive messages, I will listen sooner and more closely. This is the feeling I have been waiting my whole life to feel and I get to feel it with the best guy in the world.

Friday, 21 October 2016

The Cliches in Spades that Don't Feel Cliches

Okay, I have been naturally cynical since I was a kid. Cheesy lines and the spouting of pretty words always seemed silly and fell short. Don't get me wrong, I have a romantic soul, but I have never felt that the words were true-they felt hollow and so I laughed.
But this is different. I hear them, I feel them and when he says them-he means them. Having been guarded my whole life, it feels so strange to be running pell-mell towards something, openly, with no armor, instead of approaching with caution and shields raised.

Is this what it feels like to fall for someone? Is this the feeling that I have been waiting to have since I was a child? I couldn't tell you. I am trying not to overthink it, just feel and enjoy the moment that I have being completely and totally crazy over a guy that has the emotional maturity to express his feelings back.

I don't have to make it work, or look for a future or plan how things will go-because it is working, our future is right now in this moment and things are falling into place with no plan and no effort. He is the safe space, the open door and the right heart to beat in tandem with mine. And so bring on the cliches, because they feel pretty true and fit just right for right now in my life.

Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Everything Changes

I have always been a bit cynical and my life lately has not lent itself to changing that viewpoint of late. I have always thought romantic lines were kinda cheesy, always assumed I didn't need any romance, have not had that instant connection and recognition with anyone. Dating lately seemed pointless and men seemed ineffective, lazy and ADD.

When I first started writing my Warrior, I was not overly in to it. But we had good conversations and they weren't typical of most people on a dating site. Then last week I just was like, "what the hell, let's not waste time, let's meet." So I invited him over and we met. To be fair, I thought his picture was cute but he stated he was a gamer-and that is not something I am overly interested in getting involved with because of my ex husband. I had low or no expectations, I just wanted to change things, get out of the cycle I was in. Then he got out of the car and my life altered. I was instantly attracted, and when he spoke-his voice was incredibly sexy. "Giddy Up".

We spent the evening flirting, drinking a beer or two and watching one of my favorite shows. I think we could both tell that we were in to each other but neither of us could figure out how to break the touch gap. I could feel his attraction to me and I think he felt it back. At the door we both were awkward and admitted we didn't know what to do, and then both leaned in and kissed. It was a solid lip lock and hinted at a lot of potential to come.

He messaged me within thirty minutes of leaving and came over again on Sunday night when things really heated up, in a PG 13 way. To feel your feelings reflected back on you through someone elses eyes is a gift. To have chemistry and excitement and joy without any questioning or neurotic behavior is unreal. To respect and admire your partner and feel valued and wanted and overwhelmed is something that I have not experienced but I have those feelings with him and it was instantaneous. I feel blessed and tuned in and completely swamped with how an emotionally aware and open man can make me feel. No games, no invading, just follow through and a whole lot of feeling that makes all of the bumps and missteps worth it.

Thursday, 13 October 2016

The Harsh Light of Day

My head is kind of messy as I keep making the same mistake over and over. But I took a stand last night, not that I haven't before, but its a step. Baby steps are important. I made one. I also haven't heard anything feedback wise so I guess that makes it easier. I am so tired of fighting and trying to keep something when it's not even something I know I should keep.

There are aspects of it that I will miss but I know that there was manipulation happening there. Trying to make me feel small and bad about myself and I don't need that in my life any more. I just don't. If I can remove it, in all aspects of my life, I can grow as a person and become a stronger person. I never thought caring about people would lead to such hurt, but it does.

I keep writing about it. I keep trying to take a stand and I keep backing down. I need to stop backing down and keep strong. I know I have plans this weekend, and that helps. I also have started to enjoy the time I have to myself because I really haven't gotten very much since I have continually been booked for full days (can't complain, money is good).

Just want to see things for how they are in the daylight instead of snuggling up the comfort of the shadows in the night.

Friday, 7 October 2016


I am at a crossroads. I am unsure of exactly what I should do. I could spend another weekend in the comfortable but not healthy presence of Golden Eye or I could use this opportunity for a true and solid break-giving the Doppleganger a chance.

Who is the Doppleganger and aren't you on a hiatus? I hung on to one person. We only talk when he sends me a message first and we have great conversations. He is everything I could want in a guy and we have a lot in common. A whole lot. However, there are a few warning signs that have me hesitant-they could be nothing, just freak coincidence, or they could be something. I talked to someone for four months starting this time last year and then they disappeared-this guy lives in the same place, had the same cancer and some of his speech patterns are the same.....and he is resistant to giving me his information and hasn't shared any additional pictures. This is very worrisome and stops my from allowing myself in too deep.

I blew him him off last weekend when I had Golden Eyes over and if I cave and do what feels comfortable, I could risk losing something that could be right and good for me. So I have to try and deny what I want temporarily so I can give what I truly want a chance.

I hope I am strong enough.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Fixing the Unfixable

This has been a hard few weeks. However, things are starting to slowly turn around for me and my hard work is paying off....albeit slowly.
I am starting to trust that my school will find opportunities for me to put in extra hours. Just two afternoons a week mean a HUGE difference in my pay check. And even if it's sometimes stressful, it's a whole lot better than worrying about cash flow-especially with my ex not bothering with his payments. This money also means that my theatre class money stretches further and I can not touch it for a bit. That is massive as well.
I also have almost all the kids Christmas shopping done and then I can start to work on everyone else. I can stretch a dollar further than most people and I do. Regularly. I also work really hard for the money I make and I multitask like a demon. Today I am feeling efficient and solid and like I am going to be okay.
I haven't solved all the problems, they are still there, but I am learning to cope with them in a better and more manageable way. It's going to be difficult, but it's starting to come together.
One day at a time.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

The Whisper that Shouts

When I started my solo journey I visited a mentor. My mentor does angel card readings and she warned me about being taken advantage of by people who take more than they give. The universe is helping me work on this-as its a habit I tend to fall in to. I want to help people and I care a lot about them, so I end up giving them chance after chance and often I do not get anything back. Sometimes that is okay, but if you have someone in your life that does this consistently, it becomes a drain and it breaks your heart. I am getting better at setting limits with new acquaintances-but its people who have been around longer I still have to work at. Once a pattern is established, it's very hard to break it.

However, the universe is letting me know when to quit, and when it's okay, and my gut is getting more accurate all the time. Usually universal signs are whispers that we have to pay close attention to or only recognize after the fact. But this year, with this issue in particular-they have been loud and very very obvious.  The universe shouts at me.Every time I let myself believe that the situation with one of my leeches has changed, the universe indicates that it hasn't. Why do I waste my time with people who are negative and make me feel less than? I don't know. I am still unpacking that and the situations that my willingness to accept less has caused me. I am not sure I will ever stop feeling the need to help and heal, but I am resolved to spend that energy on people who are deserving. The leeches better find someone else to suck dry, and when they insult me about denying them-I need to know that their words aren't to be listened to.  I would say that I have "finally got it out of my system". But I have said it before, so i guess its better to say "I hear you universe, and I am trying really hard to listen."

Tuesday, 4 October 2016

Like a Bird on a Wire

Things are not "going well". My car needs a new engine, my ex is two months behind in his payments and is VERY effective at ignoring my messages. I have not heard back from my lawyer and I feel like there is a very heavy weight pushing on my chest and rocks tied around my feet, pulling me under water.
I am fighting it. I am trying. I am trying to see the positives and enjoy the "little moments" and I am so very grateful for all I have. But I need a break. I need something in my life to work. If one aspect works out, I feel like I could handle the other parts with some amount of grace. Cause its not graceful now. It's a mess.
I am not a crier and I feel like I have spent two weeks bawling my eyes out for some reason or another. I feel hopeless and I usually can find the silver lining and the hope. I want to be that person again but I feel like I am trying to claw my way out of a black hole and that is a very overwhelming way to feel.
Feeling that way makes me make rash choices, trying to cling on to some sort of comfort and support. But i know it isn't right for me. I do okay during the week, but by the weekend I just want something for myself. So I give time to someone who isn't good for me because they give me time and make it easy to have someone there. But easy doesn't make it right, and their attitude and lackadaisical attitude of letting me do everything gets old quickly. Stopping would be smart, but its the only adult contact I have. I have to do into island mode, but its very difficult to purposely isolate yourself when you already feel isolated.

Monday, 3 October 2016

The Power of No

I want to believe people. I want to trust and I want to believe that people are innately kind. I give people a lot of the benefit of the doubt and a lot of chances because of this. But I am learning things, hard things, and one of those things is that people do not always deserve second chances and that actions speak louder than words.
One guy I was talking to before the hiatus kept telling me he was excited to meet me and that he wanted to have a relationship with me but he had zero follow through and blew through three weekends where he could have made the effort to get together. After finally messaging him to meet up-he ignored my message and the weekend passed. Ending in my deleting him as a friend on facebook and as a contact on my phone. I don't need it. Move along. If you aren't in, really in, then get the hell out.
In the past I would have put up with this ridiculous behavior-now I don't and I won't. Its a conscious choice to stop playing the victim and stop letting other people make me feel helpless and hopeless.
Are things getting better? Not really....yet. Will they in the future? I certainly hope so. My big boxes to tick off are: 1.Getting the Divorce Papers Finalized 2. Getting my Ex to pay his debt 3. Fixing my company. There are other things, but those are the big ones, and they are all out of my hands. As soon as number 1 is handled, I think I will start sleeping better-and that will fix a lot of things for me.