Monday, 28 November 2016

Lagging Doubt

Up until this point of time, my Mountain and I have been very happy with very few snags. But two weeks ago we visited his house for the first time and it did not go well. He was cranky (we were early) and his house was not in a condition which I would feel comfortable living in. Mess would be a kind word, it was just dirty with garbage and food scraps everywhere. Not a lot of pride in his place. And that is a warning sign to me. I thought perhaps it was just the day, but I visited again last week and it was worse.....
I am very worried about this. Seems like small beans maybe, but I know thats how my ex lived before me and I refuse to be someone elses maid/mother. Since then, I haven't felt the same about our relationship. I am not eager to spend time at his place and am worried that he is just not the right man for me-after going and getting all emotionally involved.
Not a good feeling with everything else going on. At this point in time I have to figure out if this was just a little blip in an otherwise tidy and productive man's life-or is he lazy.

I was married to a guy who was lazy at his core. Responsibilities were burdens and so I became a burden, as did our kids. I am not lazy. I am a force or whirlwind and I get stuff done. Its not always perfect but I can't live in clutter or mess. I need a clean slate and a generally tidy environment or I simply can't relax. I still make my bed everyday. I don't eat or drink (except for the occasional cup of tea) in my bed and my kids know how to pick up their toys, load and unload the dishwasher, and help clean the bathroom and put away the laundry. I expect that of them. My parents expected it of me. My ex wasn't given these responsibilities and felt like he was very put upon when the bulk of them fell to him when I was at home tending our young child, then children. I need the full out, all in, in the trenches guy who chooses me and our life and works at it. And I need him to want it. Mountain is great, just not sure if that's in him.

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

The Immensity of Emotion

My Warrior is quickly becoming my Mountain. Strong, steadfast, true. He evokes feelings of admiration, patience, desire and overwhelming love. Being crazy about someone is so new and different for me. I love how I feel around him and how open he has been with me about how he feels.
Sometimes he says things that should be scary and make me run but I want to go deeper, I want to be deeper with him than I have ever want to be with anyone. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable in many ways and that's allowing our relationship to be stronger than ones I have experienced in the past.
It hasn't been a smooth sail or easy road. His past has tried to interrupt and derail our present and it was very hard to choose love and choose trust in a moment when both were challenged and at risk. But I did and I am happy that I did. There were moments of doubt, and there still are occasionally but I see the way he looks at me and that's something you can't fake.
Loving someone with an open heart is both difficult and amazing. It is everyday. Although it doesn't take away the everyday troubles or the mounting fear within my particular world (looming strike and risky show), it does make those things easier to cope with.
He has my back. He is in this beside me. Together I feels safe and true and protected.